


The Connie Maheswaran Fanclub Goes To Homeworld (Or: Jeff and Peedee Are Terrible Stowaways)

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s05e25 Legs From Here To Homeworld, Fanclub Universe, Gen, Homeworld - Freeform, Peedee and Jeff are hilarious xD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-08-07 00:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16398194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: Legs From Here To Homeworld, but Peedee and Jeff tag along for the ride!





	1. The Stowaways

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Connie Maheswaran Fanclub (Or: How Connie Became the Most Popular Topic in School After She Pulled a Sword Out of Lion in Front of Literally Everyone)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7746817) by [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW). 



“How much longer to Homeworld?” Steven asked, surprised his legs weren’t tired from standing so long and noticing Amethyst and Connie’s comatose state.

 

“Another hour, I’m afraid,” Pearl replied.

 

“Dang, on Aquamarine’s ship it took, like, eleven minutes.”

 

“Ugh,” Yellow muttered, “I had  _ forgotten _ how slow these old ships were.”

 

“I rather liked the slower ships,” Blue countered.

 

Before Yellow could form a response, a clattering sound was heard down below, in the engine room.

 

“What was that?” Steven asked.

 

“That  _ Bismuth  _ didn’t come aboard, did she?” Blue commented.

 

“I’ll go check it out,” Pearl said, rolling her eyes at the two Diamonds.

 

Pearl stepped down into the engine room, cautiously summoning her spear. A rack of old-style destabilizers had been knocked over, and she could hear some hushed whispers coming from inside the nearby storage closet.

 

“Who’s there?” Pearl called out.

 

Hearing nothing in return, Pearl held her spear out and approached the closet door, finally pulling it open and pointing her weapon at the stowaways. Who just happened to be two 12-year-old boys she was vaguely acquainted with.

 

“Uhh…” was all Jeff could say.

 

“ _ Hiiiiii _ ,” Peedee awkwardly greeted. 

 

This may have been a bad idea.


	2. The Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy halloween! And what could be scarier than being whisked away on an outer space adventure?

Peedee wasn’t exactly expecting to see a pair of giant pink legs fly over Beach City, but then again, when did the expected ever happen in that town?

 

“Did you see that?!” Jeff excitedly asked over the phone, having seen the legs fly over his house.

 

“Yeah…” Peedee replied, looking at the Leg Ship from his fry truck, “Steven has some pretty cool stuff.”

 

“It’s Steven’s?!”

 

“Who else’s would it be?”

 

“Fair point,” Jeff chuckled, “How was the wedding, by the way? I’m still bummed we weren’t able to make it.”

 

“It was pretty great,” Peedee smiled, “Sure, the reception got interrupted by an alien invasion halfway through but I think it got sorted out.”

 

Jeff laughed. “Don’t they always?”

 

The two then both got a text from Steven, in their friend chat (jokingly named “The Connie Maheswaran Fanclub” of course).

 

_ Steven: Hey guys, I know this is short notice, but me and Connie are gonna be going away for a little while soon...like, to space, ya know? And we wanna see you guys before we go. _

 

_ PeeDee: Sure! I’ll be right over! _

 

_ Jeff: What he said lol _

 

————

 

“Keep the Earth warm for us,” Steven joked as he grabbed Peedee and Jeff into a hug.

 

“Not too warm though, or else the icecaps will melt and the planet’s coastal areas will drown,” Connie remarked, joining in on the hug.

 

“Just be careful out there, Steven,” Peedee told the chubby boy ready to blast off into space.

 

“Relax, Peedee. This won’t be like last time. I swear!”

 

“You sure?” Jeff asked, memories returning of the time Steven was originally on Homeworld, surrendering himself to be punished.

 

“Positive!” Steven reassured them, “I went from war criminal to goddess in less than a week.”

 

“Hey Stee-man!” Amethyst called out from the top of the ship, “You comin’ or what?” 

 

The rest of the Gems had already boarded the ship, and were waiting on Steven and Connie. Steven summoned a pink platform to carry them up and made his goodbyes.

 

“See you guys later!” Steven waved as the platform began to rise.

 

“Peedee, remember to tell Mr. Barriga I have an excused absence!” Connie shouted.

 

“Will do!”

 

“And Jeff?!” Steven yelled down.

 

“What?”

 

“I dunno, I just wanted to say something! Bye!”

 

As Steven and Connie disappeared into the ship, Peedee put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder, sensing that his boyfriend needed it. Jeff returned the gesture by placing his hand over top of Peedee’s. Their friends were heading off into space, under better circumstances than before but still fairly dangerous. 

 

Then Jeff got a pretty stupid idea. Just as the ship powered on for takeoff, the boy made a mad dash for the right foot of the ship, climbing onto it. Peedee came running after him, grabbing his boyfriend’s leg just before the ship began awkwardly moving down the beach, taking them with it.

 

“What the heck are you  _ doiiiiiiiiing?! _ ” Peedee asked right as they were hurled along with the ship’s erratic movements.

 

Luckily for them, an access hatch opened up for them just before the ship leapt off into orbit, pulling them in to safety.

 

“Oh my gosh are you okay?” Jeff asked as they caught their bearings inside the access tube, which was dark and fairly cramped. Peedee, still breathing heavily, looked at Jeff as if that was the stupidest question in the galaxy.

 

“No, I’m not okay, because I’m on a friggin’ alien spaceship because my friggin’ boyfriend decided to play friggin’  _ stowaway!” _

 

“I-I’m sorry,” Jeff stammered, “I don’t know what got into me, I guess I just didn’t want to see Steven and Connie leave us so I… did that. Sorry again. Pleasedonthateme!”

 

Peedee sighed. “It’s okay. I still love you. Let’s just hide somewhere so we can sit this adventure out.”

 

“Fine by me,” Jeff chuckled as he began crawling up the tube, “This trip won’t take that long, right?”


	3. The Trek

“Pearl?” Steven asked as she heard her march back up the steps, “Did you find anything?”

 

Steven turned his head to find that she was carrying Jeff and Peedee by their collars, before casually dropping them on the floor.

 

“Hey!” Peedee complained, “You can’t just drop a guy on his ass like that!”

 

_ “Jeff?! Peedee?!”  _ Steven exclaimed.

 

“Hi Steven...” Jeff stammered as he struggled to comprehend where he was, “Love the ship. It’s very, uh, pink. And big.”

 

“Who are these humans, Pink?” Blue asked, while Yellow seemed wholly uninterested.

 

“They’re my friends!” Steven told her.

 

“Greeeeat, more Earth friends…” Yellow muttered.

 

Connie, disturbed by the noise, woke up and opened her eyes. 

 

“Peedee?! Jeff?!” she asked, “What are you doing here?!”

 

“Oh nothing,” Peedee replied, “Some sightseeing, souvenir shopping, trying not to die. Typical tourist stuff.”

 

“No,” Steven interrupted,  _ “Why  _ are you guys on the ship?”

 

“I…” Jeff began with conviction but quickly fell back into embarrassment, “I did a stupid thing and didn’t wanna see you guys go… So I stowed away and Peedee followed.”

 

“Aww,” Steven instantly replied, his heart melting, “It’s okay. You just wanted to see your friends again!”

 

“Yeah that’s nice an’ all,” Amethyst butted in, now awake herself, “But they are humans going to Homeworld. Like, literally the most dangerous place in the universe? And I don’t think Steven has it in him to pull another Larsarus.”

 

“I hate to say it,” Pearl began, “But Amethyst’s right. You two will have to stay with the ship until we’re back home. Luckily, I brought plenty of snacks!”

 

Jeff found himself holding Peedee’s arm for support, 

 

They would be okay, wouldn’t they?

 

————

 

Just looking at it through a viewscreen, Homeworld was something right out of a comic book. Bizarre architecture, bright, technicolor inhabitants, and even a massive crack going straight down the middle.

 

The two Diamonds and the Crystal Gems had gone up to the top of the ship to look out at the crowd of Gems cheering for Pink’s return, leaving Jeff and Peedee alone inside.

 

“So,” Peedee said as they went through Connie’s bag of supplies, “Anything good?”

 

“Well we have a couple bags of Chaaps, a bunch of water, and… ooh! A comic!”

 

“Really? What is it?”

 

“Crying Breakfast Friends & Friends #47.”

 

“Because of course Steven would bring that,” Peedee chuckled.

 

The pair laid down on the floor, staring up at the tall, pink ceiling.

 

“This is crazy,” Jeff remarked.

 

“Agreed. I did not think this was how my day would end.”

 

“Well now it’s something to put down on your resume.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Yeah! There’s the fry shop, your Tater Truck, and finally Been To Space! It’s not a job, yeah, but you could, like, work anywhere!”

 

Peedee laughed. Going to space was pretty cool, he had to admit. Sure, Steven did it a bunch of other times, but when did the average human get to do it?

 

“Jeff,” Peedee began, “We’re on another  _ planet.” _

 

“Yeah, right?”

 

“Like, another  _ solar system.  _ In another  _ galaxy.” _

 

“Whoa.”

 

“Whoa is right… Let’s go check it out,” Peedee said, getting up.

 

“Wait, wait,” Jeff struggled to get out as he stood up as well, “I thought one of Steven’s mom-ladies told us to stay on the ship!”

 

“Technically she told us to stay  _ with  _ the ship, which we will if we don’t go out too far. I just wanna get a look!” Peedee said as he climbed down into the engine room.

 

“Why am I suddenly the sensible one?”

 

“I dunno. I like to mix it up.”

 

————

 

Seeing four giant diamonds made up of thousands of Gems was a sight that no person could turn away from. In the case of Jeff and Peedee, this was doubly true, as they stood in awe at the base of the ship. Up above them, they could see stars, completely new stars and constellations no human had ever seen.

 

“Wow…” the two boys said simultaneously.

 

Peedee took a few steps forward, just to get a look over the edge. Getting down on his belly and poking his head out over the platform, he could see giant chasm underneath them, along with dozens of white tubes connecting the landing pad to hundreds of other places across the planet.

 

“Now I know why they call it  _ dangerous,” _ Peedee remarked, chuckling to hide the immense fear he was feeling. However, as he stood up, the Fryman boy lost his balance, falling backwards over the edge. Jeff quickly ran to the rescue, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand, but was pulled over himself instead.

 

Luckily, just beneath them was one of the white tubes, which they landed on harshly but not too harshly. Up close, tube was big enough to fit a large person, and was even slightly transparent.

 

“Holy crap are you okay?” Peedee said as they scrambled onto the center of the tube.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good,” Jeff assured him, “Just fighting off a massive fear of heights is all.”

 

Peedee, admittedly doing the same, rushed to hug Jeff and brace themselves against the wall. Almost as if it sensed their presence, that section of the tube then lit up and briefly became intangible, dropping the two boys inside.

 

“Uh… Jeff…”

 

“Y-yeah?”

 

“Don’t look down.”

 

As it turned out, being in a transparent cylinder high above a dark chasm was the worst place to tell someone “don’t look down,” as they would then be irreversibly attracted to looking down.

 

“Peedee? I’m looking down!”

 

“Well, at least we’re safe right? I mean, uh, it can’t get any worse than this, right?”

 

As if the universe hated them, Peedee and Jeff were then suddenly whisked away through the tube, being sucked to who-knows-where.

 

Jeff hoped it was a place with less chasms.


	4. The Gems

“Jeeeeeeeeefff!!!” Peedee screamed as the two were whisked through the tubes.

 

Jeff was just screaming, like one would do on a rollercoaster. Except with this rollercoaster, you didn’t know where it ended or what it’s intensity level was and Jeff was  _ certain  _ they were both too short to ride.

 

Seeing the sights of Homeworld pass by underneath, Peedee looked up and saw a red structure up ahead. He braced himself for some sort of impact, closing his eyes, but before he knew it he and Jeff were suddenly sitting on the floor of a bright red room, surrounded by teardrop-shaped, equally-red ships. Also in the room were about a dozen red, square-haired women, who began to curiously surround the two boys.

 

“Who are they?” one of them whispered.

 

“Must be a new Gem type,” another one suggested.

 

“No, no, they’re that snake people from Upsilon Nine!”

 

“Again with the snake people? Everyone knows they were wiped out millenia ago.”

 

Jeff and Peedee simply sat there, holding each other but gradually loosening up as they realized they weren’t in any immediate danger.

 

“Lemme talk to ‘em,” Jeff whispered, “I see this in movies all the time.”

 

“Okay…” Peedee shrugged as the boy stood up and marched on over to the Gems.

 

“He-llo,” Jeff slowly said, using his arms to describe things, “Me Jeff, he Peedee. We from far away. We friends with Steven.”

 

“Jeff, they understand English,” Peedee told him, “They’re aliens. Like, they can do that.”

 

“Ooh, like in Space Trek?”

 

“Yes, Jeff,” Peedee chuckled, standing up, “Like in Space Trek.”

 

“So where are you two from?” one Ruby asked.

 

“And who are you?”

 

“And what are you?”

 

“And when are you?”

 

“Methinks these guys aren’t that smart…” Peedee whispered before turning his attention back to the Rubies, “So… I’m Peedee. He’s Jeff. We’re humans. And we’re from Earth… In the present… I think the covers everything, yeah.”

 

“Yeah!” Jeff said, becoming more and more comfortable, “Who are you guys?”

 

“I’m Ruby!”

 

“I’m Ruby!”

 

“I’m Ruby”

 

“And I’m Ruby!”

 

“Hey,” one of them began, “where’s Ruby?”

 

“Okay everyone,” a new Ruby said, waltzing into the room, “I just reported the intruders! That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”

 

“What?!” Jeff squeaked out as Peedee facepalmed.

 

“Yeah there are a  _ ton _ of Quartz guards on their way here now so...good luck with that!”

 

“Oh for the love of… C’mon!” Peedee said, grabbing Jeff’s hand and rushing out of the hangar bay. The Rubies simply waved goodbye.

 

“Hey!” an Amethyst called out, “Get those two!”

 

Peedee and Jeff then bolted down the hallway, with Jeff eventually falling behind as the Quartzes chased after them.

 

“This is what I get for skipping gym class, isn’t it?” Jeff panted, stopping to catch his breath.

 

Seeing the guards gaining rapidly on them, Peedee saw a hatchway into another transport tube and practically threw Jeff in, climbing in and slamming the door shut right after him.

 

“How do we make this thing go?” Jeff asked out loud, trying to find some sort of control panel. Unfortunately for them, the control panel was apparently on the other side of the hatchway. Peedee and Jeff’s frantic banging on the walls was all for naught, as the hatch swiftly opened and the two boys were yanked back out.

 

“Where did you come from?” one Quartz growled.

 

“Where were you going?” another interrogated.

 

“...Where did we come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?” Jeff attempted to joke. Peedee glared at him. “Sorry. Couldn’t resist.”

 

A large yellow Quartz, presumably their commander, stepped in and took a look at them.

 

“Organics,” she remarked, shrugging, “Just send ‘em in for processing. Someone else’ll deal with it.” The Quartzes then began to step closer and closer to the two, reaching out to take them.

 

“Wait!” Jeff said just before they grabbed him, “I-I request an audience with Pink Diamond!”

 

_ “What?”  _ Peedee and the Quartzes asked.

 

“I paid attention during Steven’s Gem Stuff seminar last week,” Jeff whispered in Peedee’s ear before standing up.

 

“We’re actually very good friends with ol’ Pinky,” Jeff bluffed nervously, “And she’d be, uh, pretty upset if you captured us like this.”

 

Peedee could see the gears turning in the lead Quartz’s head, as Jeff, terrified as he was, stared down the large alien.

 

“Alright,” she said, scratching her head, “Take them to Pink Diamond’s chambers and confirm their story. And be gentle! I don’t wanna risk being the Topaz whose subordinates roughed up Pink Diamond’s friends.”

 

The group dispersed for all but two guards, who gestured for Jeff and Peedee to follow them.

 

“How’d you know that would work?” Peedee whispered to him.

 

“I didn’t,” Jeff answered, “Figured we didn’t have anything to lose, though.”

 

Peedee felt himself blushing slightly at Jeff’s awkward confidence (Is this what a turn-on was?) and took the boy’s hand in his. They were out of the woods for now, and would soon be reunited with Steven.

 

Hopefully, nothing more would go wrong today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when this updated on Wednesdays? Yeah so do I xD


	5. The Diamond

“Jeff! Peedee!” Steven cried as the pair were admitted into the pink, hexagonal room, “It’s so good to see you!” He wrapped the two into one of his trademark hugs.

 

“But how’d you even get here?”

 

“Long story,” Peedee said as Steven released them from the hug.

 

“We snuck off the ship, fell in a tube, got shot into a room, got chased by some guards, got taken here,” Jeff summed up their adventure succinctly.

 

“Jeff told ‘em we were friends with Pink Diamond,” Peedee further explained.

 

“Ah, I see,” Steven chuckled, “Well I just got back from meeting White Diamond.”

 

“Oh, how did that go?” Jeff asked, expecting good news.

 

“She’s terrifying beyond belief.”

 

“Of course she is,” Peedee remarked, looking out the window at the giant White Diamond ship looming over them, “Mrs. Bates is always watching.”

 

“Who?” Steven asked.

 

“Nevermind.”

 

“I feel so stupid!” Steven suddenly said.

 

“What?” Jeff asked, surprised.

 

“I was so sure White would listen to me. I was  _ certain  _ she would help fix corruption! So much so that I brought a bunch of my friends here with me to the most dangerous place in the universe!”

 

Peedee sighed. “Steven…”

 

“And  _ now  _ I’m just stuck here!”

 

“Steven.”

 

“I thought it’d be better being Pink Diamond instead of Rose Quartz but  _ no,  _ I guess that sucks too!”

 

“Steven!” Peedee shouted, slapping Steven’s cheek with enough force to snap him out of his spiral, “Whoever your mom is, she’s not here anymore. You are.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“It doesn’t matter who they think you are. You’re Steven either way. You just gotta prove you got the goods.”

 

“Yeah, but I don’t know how!”

 

“You wanna convince Scary Grandma to give you what you want? Keep asking. And asking.”

 

“And begging!” Jeff interjected.

 

“And begging,” Peedee added, “until she just lets you have it. Worked with my dad all the time.”

 

“I guess that also worked for mom…” Steven mused, “Thanks, guys.”

 

“Don’t mention it.”

 

At that moment, another white sphere floated into the room, revealing White Pearl inside.

 

“Pink Diamond. White Diamond requires that you be in her presence at once.”

 

“Well I-”

 

The bubble suddenly enclosed around Steven and began floating back out of the room.

 

“What do we do?” Jeff asked frantically.

 

“I dunno!” Peedee exclaimed.

 

Jeff, making a split-second decision, ran for it and grabbed onto the bubble, splaying his body over top of it. Peedee followed, though he was only able to latch onto Jeff’s leg.

 

“Jeff!” Peedee shouted as the bubble flew over Homeworld.

 

“Peedee!” Jeff shrieked, holding on for dear life.

 

“Why do we keep getting into these messes?!” Peedee asked over the wind.

 

“Aaaaaaaahhh!” was Jeff’s answer.

 

After what felt like an eternity, they passed through a wall and were dropped inside a large white and silver room. The two stowaways quickly ducked behind a pillar as the bubble dispersed, plopping Steven in front of the giant, glowing white lady in front of him.

 

_ “Ah, hello again Pink.” _

 

”Hi!” Steven shouted as assertively as he could, “Now I want you to-”

 

_ “It has been quite some time, Pink. At least for you anyway.” _

 

“Yes, and I-”

 

_ “But no one doubts that you’ll be able to get right back on track.” _

 

“I don’t-”

 

_ “Of course it can no longer be allowed for you to have such  _ distractions  _ like those Crystal Gems as your acquaintances.” _

 

“Wait-”

 

_ “Luckily they’ve been taken care of. Which allows you to get back to work, doesn’t it?” _

 

“Hey!” Steven cried out as another white bubble surrounded him and carried him off, leaving Jeff and Peedee alone.

 

In White Diamond’s chambers.

 

“Peedee?” Jeff asked, in a state of pure shock.

 

“Y-yeah?”

 

“Steven has a weird family.”


	6. The Prison

Jeff and Peedee were still hiding behind the pillar, horrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

 

“Peedee, what’re we gonna do?!” Jeff frantically asked.

 

“I dunno!” Peedee said, throwing up his hands, “How ‘bout we ask GLaDOS over there? I’m sure she’ll be very receptive!”

 

“Well we can’t just do nothing!”

 

“We sit here, no one finds us, and we live!”

 

“Yeah and everyone else we know dies! You heard her! And can’t live with that.”

 

“...Dammit, why do you have to be so moral?”

 

“It’s a curse, I know,” Jeff shrugged.

 

_ “Pearl, go attend to Pink’s...friends,”  _ White Diamond commanded,  _ “Their  _ accommodations _ should be ready by now. And send in Teardrop and Thunderbolt at once. They have much to talk about.” _

 

_ “Yes, My Diamond,”  _ White Pearl stated, turning back around on a dime.

 

Jeff, getting a rather crazy idea, took Peedee’s hand and bolted across the room, the pair grabbing onto White Pearl just as she passed through the wall, allowing them to pass through with her. Jeff restrained his screams of terror as a white bubble then surrounded them, carrying the three to wherever the Crystal Gems and Connie were being kept.

 

_ “Hello there,”  _ White Pearl said, her facial expression and T-pose unchanging,  _ “White Diamond would hardly approve of such an action.” _

 

“Yeah, well, that makes two of us,” Peedee snarked.

 

The bubble unfurled inside a bright white corridor lined with jail cells, containing Amethyst, Pearl and Garnet. Jeff and Peedee quickly hid inside an empty cell as White Pearl floated in front of the trio.

 

_ “Crystal Gems,”  _ White Pearl began,  _ “Your punishment shall begin shortly. Please do not resist, or else further force will be necessary in your subduction.” _

 

“Hey,” Amethyst called out, “We’ve been through a lot worse than some chump Gems on some chump planet telling us what to do!”

 

“Amethyst, shut up,” Garnet attempted to scold, noticing that Pearl was unusually silent in all this.

 

Looking around the corner, Peedee and Jeff noticed another active cell nearby, with Connie inside. Being human, she easily slipped through the energy field and began slowly sneaking past White Pearl. The girl gave the Gems a look, telling them to keep up the distraction as she made her way to the door.

 

“Uh...no!” Amethyst continued, “I will not shut up! I have rights! Where’s my attorney?! I demand to speak to your manager!”

 

_ “An escort will be here shortly to transfer you to your judicial hearing.” _

 

“I request a sidebar!” Amethyst shouted, trying to remember every ounce of legalese she learned watching crummy cop shows, “Ex post facto! Double Jeopardy! Extraneous rendition!”

 

_ “There are noise ordinances in effect in this Facet,”  _ White Pearl said, _ “Please lower your voice.” _

 

“The voices of freedom shall not be extinguished!”

 

White Pearl floated away through the wall once again, leaving the three Gems and three humans alone in the corridor. Connie was right at the door, when it swung open, revealing their escort to be none other than…

 

“Aquamarine?!” Connie exclaimed, “Topaz?!”

 

The large yellow fusion and small blue Gem stood in the doorway, the latter twirling her wand in amusement.

 

“Oh look, Topaz! A Connie! What are you doing this far out from Earth?”

 

“I...uh…” Connie stammered just before getting caught in Aquamarine’s suspension field.

 

“Now where are those Crystal Gems?” Aquamarine pondered as she carried Connie in the air, “Oh right, they’re right over here. Long time, no see, eh?”

 

“We have nothing to say to you!” Garnet called out.

 

“I wasn’t going to listen anyway.”

 

“Who are they?” Jeff asked in a low whisper.

 

“Jeff, I have no idea.”

 

“Well what do we do?”

 

“Same answer as before, Jeff.”

 

Out of the corner of Connie’s eye, she could see Jeff and Peedee hiding in the empty cell, and immediately felt her heart race as she desperately wanted to break free of the energy field and get them the heck out of there. Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to rush in and save the day, regardless of danger.

 

“Peedee, I have an idea,” Jeff whispered, “You jump on top of the big one while I grab the blue one.”

 

“Wait, wait?”

 

“Oh well, time to go,” Aquamarine shrugged, “Topaz, deactivate the energy fields. Now remember, no sudden moves!”

 

“C’mon,” Jeff said, “What would Steven do?” 

 

Peedee looked at Connie, suspended helplessly in the blue Gem’s Syndrome-ray or whatever it was, and indeed wondered what Steven would do. He would do  _ anything  _ to save his friends.

 

“Alright,” the pre-teen nodded, “Let’s do it.”

 

The energy fields then went down, and immediately afterwards Jeff and Peedee came running out, the latter jumping onto Aquamarine and the former jumping onto Topaz.

 

“What the–?!” Aquamarine blurted out, the blonde pre-teen covering her eyes and trying to get at her wand.

 

“AAAAAAAAAHHH!” Peedee screamed as he hung off of the small Gem, who frantically flew around the corridor trying to throw him off.

 

“Topaz! Topaz!” Aquamarine shouted, trying to pry the boy off her eyes, “Get this  _ stupid human  _ off of me!”

 

Topaz, on the other hand, was doing pretty well, since when Jeff jumped onto her, she was so endeared by his valiant effort to save his friends that she couldn’t bring herself to stop him. Jeff held his eyes tight, expecting to be thrown to the floor, but to his surprise nothing of the sort came about.

 

As Aquamarine continued to holler for Topaz’s help, Peedee managed to stretch his arm enough to reach the Gem’s wand, grabbing hold of it and pulling it out of her hands. He subsequently fell to the floor, surprised that he actually made it this far.

 

“I got it!” he shouted, “Uh, does anyone have any idea how this thing works?” Connie, still suspended in the beam, would have facepalmed, if she could have.

 

“Oh I do,” Aquamarine said as she regained her bearings, “Now...would you please?”

 

Thinking fast, Peedee threw the wand to the Crystal Gems, calling out, “Catch!”

 

Amethyst caught it first, without really intending to.

 

“Uh, Pearl! Catch!” she said, tossing the wand to Pearl. Aquamarine quickly flew towards her, anger in her eyes. Pearl desperately tried to gain control of the wand, but was still woefully unfamiliar with modern Homeworld technology.

 

“Hello little Pearlie,” Aquamarine taunted, “Please hand over the wand, or else I’ll have to get  _ rough.” _

 

“Garnet!” Pearl hollered, throwing the wand to the fusion.

 

Garnet, being equally clueless with the technology, internally shrugged and smashed the wand between her fists, deactivating the beam and dropping Connie to the floor. 

 

“Ouch…” Connie muttered.

 

The Crystal Gems then summoned their weapons and aimed them at Aquamarine. She looked over the rebels and saw Topaz casually conversing with Jeff, sitting on her shoulder.

 

“And then in issue #123,” Jeff told the large fusion, “He does this thing with this thing and it does this other thing…”

 

“Topaz!” the small Gem called out, “What in the  _ stars _ are you doing?!”

 

“Oh!” Topaz exclaimed, snapping out of it, “Uh, nothing?”

 

“Well get over here and beat these stupid Crystal Gems up for me!”

 

Topaz hesitantly looked over at the three humans, and folded her arms in defiance.

 

“Wait, what?” Aquamarine cried out before being thrown into a cell, “You can’t do this to me! Do you know who I am?!”

 

“No,” Jeff earnestly said, “Who are you?”

 

“Gaaaaaaah!” the blue Gem screamed, “I’ll have you reported! And I’ll have you shattered! And your shards will be ground up into paint! And they’ll use the paint to make a mural of me shattering you! And then I’ll tear down the mural because no artist could possibly capture my personality! And then I’ll burn the pieces of the mural in a blazing fire...”

 

“Do they, like, have soundproofing on these things?” Amethyst asked.

 

“Yes, actually,” Topaz said as she pressed a button next to the cell that muted Aquamarine while she continued ranting.

 

Connie, still dizzy from being tossed around in Aquamarine’s beam, got up off the floor and reoriented herself, dusting off her leather jacket and backpack.

 

“Connie!” Jeff called out, jumping off of Topaz’s shoulders and hugging the young girl, “We were so worried!”

 

“It’s good to see you too,” Connie chuckled, “But where’s Steven?”

 

“He got sent away by White n’ Crazy,” Peedee answered, standing up himself, “Who is  _ not _ pleasant, if I may add.”

 

“She sounds great,” Amethyst snarked, “Can’t wait to meet her.”

 

“Okay,” Garnet said, summoning her gauntlets, “We’ll need to find him and get to safety.”

 

“If White still thinks he’s Pink Diamond, then I know some places he might be,” Pearl suggested, “Hopefully I still have my security clearance in the system…”

 

“If not, we can improvise!” Connie said, confident in their ability to succeed.

 

“Yes...” Pearl hesitated, “That is definitely something we can do…” Ready to begin their escape, Pearl summoned her spear and, upon noticing that her student lacked any sort of weapon, summoned a second spear to hand over.

 

“What about us?” Peedee asked, him and Jeff standing side by side, “I don’t know about Jeff but I am  _ not _ prepared to go toe-to-toe against an alien empire.”

 

“Uh, neither am I, heh,” Jeff shrugged, admittedly taking all of this pretty well.

 

“Yeah,” Amethyst interjected, “Connie’s good, but Pete and Joey ain’t gonna do much in a fight.”

 

Topaz spoke. “Hey, um, I have an idea…”

 

——————

 

“Jeff? Peedee? You two okay in there?”

 

_ “Mmhmm!”  _ a muffled voice shouted back from within Topaz’s chest. As the Crystal Gems navigated their way through the prison facility, Jeff and Peedee were safely stowed between Topaz’s two halves, their heads partially sticking out the rear (only enough to breathe, though).

 

They were now attempting to use an old maintenance alley to break out of the Maximum Security Lockup, which wasn’t as good as it sounded since it only led to the Medium Security Lockup.

 

Upon reaching it— a tall, grey atrium with hexagonal cells lining the floors —they spotted a transport tube up to the surface. Unfortunately, there were over a dozen Quartzes and Rubies standing between them and it. Fortunately for them, however, said Gem types were not made to be good thinkers.

 

“Gah!” an Amethyst gasped as Sapphire emerged from the doorway (her “entourage” firmly in tow), “Uh, I mean, we were not expecting such a...unexpected visit Your Clarity! How may we be of service?”

 

“After touring these facilities,” Sapphire remarked, “I have found them quite satisfactory. We shall be departing now.”

 

“Yes! Yes, of course!” the Amethyst said as she made a Diamond salute, gesturing the other Gems to do the same. The Crystal Gems subsequently made their way to the transport tube, sighing with relief as the doors shut and they were propelled back upwards towards the planet’s surface. The sensation inside the tube seemed almost like being in a warp stream, with the group suspended as they were shot up the tube.

 

Amethyst let her form retract back into her normal self. 

 

“Dang, I wish I could have gotten to hang around with those Amethysts more,” she said as the countless floors passed by.

 

“Y-yeah,” Topaz shrugged, “They’re pretty cool.”

 

Connie, not used to being in a Homeworld transport tube, was holding onto Topaz’s leg for stability.

 

“Connie?” Pearl asked, concerned, “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine, ma’am,” Connie chuckled, still clutching the large Gem’s thigh, “Just, uh, heights, heh.”

 

“Where are we even going?” Amethyst asked.

 

“Back to the ship so we can regroup,” Garnet replied, now back together.

 

“Mmms mmmd…” Peedee muttered from within Topaz, interally sighing with relief.

 

Suddenly, their motion through the tube came to a stop, with gravity taking over shortly thereafter. Garnet and Topaz braced themselves against the walls of the tube, blocking the others from falling.

 

“Agh!” Connie exclaimed as she dangled from Topaz’s leg over the miles-long shaft.

 

“Connie!” Pearl shouted as she and Amethyst held onto Garnet’s arms.

 

_ “Hello,”  _ White Diamond said over the PA system,  _ “It has come to our attention that you are trying to escape. Of course, this cannot be permitted, so I’m afraid the execution process will have to be...expedited in your cases.” _

 

_ “MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!”  _ Peedee and Jeff tried to shout, due to their faces’ position on Topaz’s back making them look straight down the shaft.

 

_ “It is now apparent that you are significantly harder to execute than should be necessary,”  _ White said yet again,  _ “So do not be alarmed if the transport tube begins to electrify thereby causing you to fall to your demise.” _

 

“Uh, guys?!” Connie shouted, spotting yellow energy begin to pulse up the shaft towards them.

 

Thinking fast, Garnet summoned her gauntlets, increasing them in size and heavily denting the sides of the tube until she broke through to the other side, creating a narrow, ragged hole.

 

“Go!” the fusion hollered.

 

“The kids first!” Pearl hollered back, reaching her hand out to Connie.

 

Connie, holding on for dear life, grabbed Pearl’s hand and quickly climbed into the hole. Topaz then unfused and grabbed onto the edges of the hole, her components holding Jeff and Peedee, respectively.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!” the two boys shouted at the top of their lungs.

 

Topaz and Topaz looked down at the rapidly-approaching destabilizing energy, then back at each other, then at the definitely-not-moving children in their arms, and panicked, throwing the pair into the hole with as much care as they could muster.

 

“You guys okay?” Connie called out into the darkness.

 

_ “Never better!”  _ Peedee called back.

 

Amethyst then began to climb up, but just as she was about to step through to safety when an all-too-familiar voice came through on the PA again.

 

_ “Please, you think you can escape?”  _ White Diamond,  _ “Well, you can’t. You’re not the first person to try breaking through the sides of the transport tube before, you know.” _

 

The tube began to shake, causing Garnet and the Topazes to lose their grips and briefly fall, the former grabbing Pearl’s leg at the last moment and the latter grabbing onto Garnet. Amethyst, taking Connie’s hand just before then, felt the weight beneath her disappear as she fell too, with Pearl grabbing her leg and Connie trying her damnedest to hold onto the five Gems.

 

“Doesn’t this lady have better shit to do?!” Amethyst squeaked as she felt the weight of four Gems pulling on her leg.

 

Before they could brace themselves, the destabilizing energy caught up with them, electrifying the sides of the tube. The Gems all tensed up, wary not to touch the hazardous walls.

 

_ “JEFF! PEEDEE!”  _ Connie screamed as she strained her muscles as hard as she could push them.

 

Getting up off the dingy floor, Jeff and Peedee ran to Connie’s aid, grabbing Amethyst’s arms as well in hopes that their combined strength would be enough to pull the chain of Gems up.

 

“Topaz! And Topaz!” Garnet commanded, “Try to climb up!”

 

The two large quartzes fused back together, their stoic expression quickly collapsing into absolute terror.

 

“Guys?” Topaz asked hesitantly, “Uh, is this a bad time to say I hate heights?”

 

_ “YES!”  _ the Crystal Gems all shouted.

 

_ “This should not be this difficult,”  _ White Diamond interjected over the speakers once more,  _ “But not to worry. We’ll have you dealt with right away.” _

 

The section of the tube they were in began to shrink in on itself as the three humans frantically tried to pull the Gems into safety.

 

“PULL!” Jeff shouted, tears of pain forming in his eyes. He couldn’t let Steven’s family fall to their doom.

 

“Put! Your! Back into it!” Peedee struggled to say as his palms began to sweat, loosening his grip.

 

Before they knew it, the walls of the tube pressed up against the Gems’ bodies, poofing them from the top of the chain to the bottom. The kids fell back through the hole as Amethyst’s form exploded in a puff of smoke, the same happening to Pearl and then Garnet as the energy surged through them. Topaz, her mind racing, grabbed onto the four falling gemstones, and let herself fall as well, knowing she would poof upon impact with the ground below but content that by holding the Crystal Gems tight, she would save them from being cracked or shattered— at least from falling, that is.

 

_ “Transport Tube Repair In Progress,”  _ a Peridot-esque voice said over the speakers as the hole was plugged up, sealing the The Connie Maheswaran Fanclub Minus One behind it. Struggling to see in the dark space, the three children had no idea where they were, or how to get out.

 

But they would think of something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will the Fanclub get out of this one? Will the Gems survive their dastardly fate? What insane deathtrap have the three lost children found themselves in? What's Steven up to?
> 
> Tune into next chapter! Maybe next week! Or maybe the week after that! Same Fanclub day, same Fanclub fic :D


	7. The Past

“I think I found the lights,” Jeff said as dim, bluish-white lights flickered on. The room was metallic, with reddish-pink coloring faded from the walls. There were old storage containers littering the room, along with busted, dusty control panels.

 

_ “Ugh, _ what the heck happened?” Peedee asked, rubbing his temples.

 

_ “The Gems!”  _ Connie exclaimed, rushing to where the hole in the wall used to be.

 

“I think Topaz saved them, but I’m not sure…” Jeff said, hugging himself, “They’re gonna die anyway, aren’t they? Oh God they’re going to die and it’s all our fault!” 

 

Peedee, sensing that his boyfriend was in a fair amount of distress, went and put his arms around him as Connie paced the room.

 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Connie said, talking quickly, “The Gems are gone. Well, not gone, exactly, but they aren’t here now and we can’t get to them. Which I guess means they are gone.  _ Anyway, _ Pearl told me once that any problem can be solved with a simple three point plan.”

 

“That’s good advice,” Jeff commented.

 

“So point number one!” Connie continued, still pacing, “Get out of here! Point number two! Find the Gems! And point number three! Find Steven!”

 

“Shouldn’t we find Steven first, though?” Peedee suggested, “I mean, he’s probably the only one who could stop that chick from turning the Gems into whatever the rock-equivalent of mincemeat is.”

 

Connie took a deep breath. “We’ll decide that when the time comes, okay?” she said, Peedee shrugging in agreement.

 

“So where are we anyway?” Jeff asked.

 

“It looks like some kind of utility closet,” Connie figured, “We just need to find a way out.”

 

Peedee noticed a bunch of storage containers stacked on top of each other on the far side of the room, and gestured to it. “Maybe behind there?”

 

“Good eye, Peedee,” Connie said, heading over to inspect the containers, “Okay, they seem light enough to push, I think…”

 

Jeff, seeing an opportunity to help, rushed over and helped Connie push the containers aside. Unfortunately for him, he had not worked out with a heavy metal sword nearly twice his size for over a year, and found them to be too heavy to push.

 

“Uh, lemme handle this, Jeff,” Connie replied, seeing the boy out of breath and sweaty after just a few seconds of pushing.

 

“Y-yeah, no prob. You go, uh, girl...” Jeff chuckled as he went back to standing next to Peedee.

 

“You never did like gym class,” Peedee remarked.

 

“I liked it! I just...walk laps the entire time.”

 

Connie then pushed the containers aside, revealing a rusted, pentagonal sliding door.

 

“Okay…” she said, “Now we just need to get it open.”

 

“Open Sesame!” Peedee called out.

 

“Peedee, be serious.”

 

“Hey, if I’m gonna be trapped inside an alien planet for the rest of my life, I’m gonna make jokes, okay?” he rebutted, turning his attention to the door right after, “Anyway, if its electric we should probably find a fuse box or something.”

 

Of the broken control panels, Connie could spot one that was still in fairly good condition, finding a single, pink lever inside.

 

“Well, here goes nothing…” Connie said as she pushed the lever up into what she assumed was the “on” position. At first nothing happened, but then the three could feel a deep rumbling beneath the room. The lighting turned brighter as the busted control panels sparked electricity and the door screeched open, leaving one side closed and the other wide open. The rumbling faded to a steady whirring, and the Fanclub felt themselves exhale with relief.

 

The three kids passed through the doorway, finding themselves in a large room— what seemed to be some sort of control center —lined with pinks and greens. Half the lights and monitors were to be malfunctioning. The rest had fizzled, static-filled screens. A large pink diamond adorned the wall.

 

“...I think I know why this place is abandoned now,” Connie somberly remarked.

 

Suddenly, speakers began blaring a badly-tuned optimistic fanfare, followed by a giddy, somehow-familiar voice.

 

_ “Hello!”  _ the voice said, _ “And welcome to the Pink Diamond Homeworld Kindergarten Control Center #1. Gem satisfaction is very important to Our Diamond, so if you or a Gem you know has  _ any  _ problems, don’t hesitate to bring it up to the management.” _

 

_ “Hi everyone!”  _ another voice popped in, less familiar, though it still held some sort of connection, Connie felt.  _ “Let’s make Gems!” _

 

_ “Hah, isn’t that a treat for ya?”  _ the first voice continued, still bubbly as ever,  _ “Anyway, like the boss said: Let’s get to work and make some Gems!” _

 

The recording cut out then, leaving the room in its haunting ambiance. As Connie searched the room for an exit, she pondered what they had just heard.

 

“Who was that?” Jeff asked.

 

“The first voice sounded a little bit like Pearl,” Peedee remarked as he looked over some of the derelict monitors, “But I’m not sure about that other one.”

 

“I think that was Pink Diamond,” Connie answered as she looked up at the catwalk up above, spotting an exit. The other doors leading into the room were sealed shut, meaning that was the only way out. She also spotted a hoverpad that seemed to function as an elevator, though it was no longer hovering.

 

“Steven’s mom?” Jeff asked, “This was her place?”

 

“I think so… She must have had Gems before Earth, I suppose.“

 

At that moment, Peedee nonchalantly flicked a switch on one of the control stations, causing the hoverpad to whir to life.

 

“Good work, Peedee!”

 

“Uh… Sure! I definitely meant to do that!”

 

The three then assembled on the hoverpad, riding it up to the catwalk. The catwalk was unsteady and rusting, its pink coloring faded away to reveal bare metal.

 

“OSHA would have a field day with this place,” Peedee muttered as they quickly made their way to the door.

 

The second they stepped through the threshold, however, the entire catwalk collapsed to the floor in a heap of wreckage, several stories down.

 

“If they ever made it out alive,” Peedee amended, his eyes widening in shock.

 

He turned away to face Connie and Jeff, who were standing at the edge of the platform, looking up in awe at a massive,  _ massive  _ cavern, the walls covered every which way with person-shaped holes.

 

”This is…a really  _ big _ cave…” Jeff stammered, feeling his legs give out beneath him.

 

“Jeff!” Peedee exclaimed, rushing to catch his fainting boyfriend, “Are you okay?”

 

“No!” Jeff suddenly shouted, “I’m not okay!”

 

Jeff stood up and began pacing the rocky platform, flailing his hands in the air to emphasize his frustration. 

 

“We’re stuck on an alien planet  _ miles  _ underground, with  _ no hope  _ of escape,  _ and it’s all my fault!” _

 

“What?” Peedee began, concerned, “No, no it’s not—”

 

“If I didn’t jump onto that ship, none of this would be happening! You’d be safe on Earth! I’d probably be in bed! Writing terrible Crying Breakfast Friends fanfiction that no one reads because it sucks!”

 

“Hey!” Peedee retorted, “Your fanfiction does  _ not _ suck,  _ first of all…” _

 

Jeff let himself chuckle at that. Peedee really was a good boyfriend, he had to admit.

 

“And secondly,” the boy continued, “I think you’re missing the part where we friggin’ saved Steven’s family from  _ jail _ a few minutes ago? If it weren’t for us, they’d probably be dead, Steven would be stuck up there forever, and Connie…”

 

Jeff looked over at Connie as Peedee trailed off, shuddering at the thought of what Homeworld would do to their friend. Connie stood there, worried but still emanating a confidence that never gave up.

 

“Now,” Peedee said, reaching out his hand, “Come with me if you wanna live.”

 

Jeff smiled. “You know I’m a sucker for movie references.”

 

The couple walked back over to Connie, who was straining her eyes to find something they could use to escape further out of the bowels of Homeworld. 

 

“So…” Peedee began, “Any ideas?”

 

“I see a walkway up there,” Connie said, pointing towards the upper regions of the cavern, “If we can get up there…”

 

“Well I can’t fly,” Peedee shrugged, “And unless you two are secretly superheroes, I don’t think you can either.”

 

Jeff looked over the edge of the platform, back towards the entrance of the control room, and spotted something.

 

“Hey! What’s this over here?” he called out.

 

Connie and Peedee rushed over to the side, seeing a large, virus-shaped machine sitting at the bottom of the cavern.

 

“That’s an injector!” Connie realized, “We can ride that to the top! Now if only we could find the shut-on switch…”

 

Peedee turned around and craned his neck upwards, spotting another platform high above them, with bright green computer panels that, as far as Peedee figured, had to control  _ something. _

 

“What about that, up there?” he asked, pointing.

 

“Okay, that’s a... _ better  _ distance...” Jeff remarked, “But still, how do we…?”

 

“C’mon guys!” Connie called out, climbing up through the exit-holes in the rock.

 

Jeff grimaced at the height of the climb. He immediately turned to Peedee and pushed him forward.

 

“Heeeyyy Peeds, you go first!”

 

“Oh no,” Peedee shook his head, “You’re the one who’s actually been rock climbing, you go first.”

 

“That was one time!” Jeff argued, “In the back of a Rick’s Sporting Goods! And I got sweaty five minutes in and fell!”

 

“Well now you just have to climb up it in under five minutes.”

 

“Hey guys!” Connie called out again, now standing in front of the computer terminal. “I think I got it!”

 

Connie powered on the keypad and activated the injector, its legs sticking firmly into the rock wall.

 

“Way to go, Connie!” Jeff exclaimed.

 

“Thanks!” Connie shouted before concentrating back on the control panel. “Now this is the tricky part…”

 

Responding to Connie’s commands, the injector quickly walked up the wall, then back down, then to the right and then to left, before she got the hang of it and settled it right next to where Jeff and Peedee were standing. After a bit more finagling with the ancient system and figuring out how it worked, she managed to set it to automatically head to the walkway up above them.

 

“Got it!” she exclaimed, hopping back down to the platform below. “Thank goodness for that computer science class.”

 

“Ugh,” Peedee groaned as he and Jeff climbed onto the injector (Jeff holding him tight and trying not to think of the heights), “Which teacher did you have?”

 

“Jeffreys.”

 

“I had Wier. Did not learn a thing.”

 

“I took woodshop instead,” Jeff added as the injector climbed up the rock wall.

 

“Jealous,” Peedee remarked.

 

“Got to make a birdhouse.”

 

“Less jealous.”

 

_ “Greetings new Gems!”  _ the bubbly, pre-recorded voice from before sang over the old intercom.  _ “Your Diamond can’t be here right now, but she wants me to inform you that you’re going to do amazing things out there!” _

 

_ “Pearl, make sure to mention the thing about the thousand suns…”  _ Pink Diamond whispered.

 

_ “Oh right! Thank you, My Diamond,”  _ the voice, now identified as Pink Diamond’s Pearl, whispered back before returning to her normal volume. “ _ And remember, Your Diamond loves you with...the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns? My Diamond, I don’t think this is what you should tell them, they don’t know what ‘suns’ are yet...” _

 

_ “Oh right! Yes, of course! Now, how do we rewrite the recording? Is it this—” _

 

The intercom cut out there, leaving the three in silence as they hopped off onto the walkway.

 

“Remind me to ask Steven about this when we get back,” Peedee commented, “Because I have, like, a million questions.”

 

Connie laughed. 

 

“Get used to it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Episodes! Also the holiday season but who cares about that :P
> 
> These are obviously going to be canon divergent (since I've currently written several chapters in advance and will be posting them weekly) but I hope you can enjoy them nonetheless :)
> 
> (WATCH MY HEADCANONS AND THEORIES BE DISPROVEN MWAHAHA)
> 
> And if you get Portal 2 vibes from this...yeah.


	8. The Helping Hand

_ “You have…[FORTY-TWO] notifications.” _

 

Steven sighed as he sat at his computer terminal. Or rather, Pink Diamond’s computer terminal, that he was now stuck using. Most of it was filled with doodles— his mom must have had the same problem focusing that he did —but White Diamond wasn’t just gonna let him slack off. She would be watching “Pink” much more closely now, he figured. She’d been more or less convinced that he was Pink Diamond, and there was no swaying her on it, to the point where he had been forced into her mother’s old Diamond outfit. It fit nicely, he admitted, but it was still disconcerting.

 

He went into the folder for messages and scrolled to the top. Most of it were resource requests that needed approval, transfer orders that needed to be agreed on, public appearance schedules and so on. Except for one, that read  _ “Unauthorized Activation in Facet 0B2L - Kindergarten Security Compromised...”  _

 

Steven opened the message, and in it was a crackling, distorted security feed from a massive Kindergarten deep underground. Zooming in, he could see three figures standing on a rock platform. It was difficult to make out, but he was almost certain who it was: Connie, Peedee and Jeff.

 

“Ha-ha!” Steven exclaimed, “They’re alive!”

 

Steven practically spun around in his chair with excitement, delighted at the sight of his friends on the screen.

 

“Okay, okay,” he told himself, “this is good, this is good. Just gotta help them out somehow…  _ Somehow… _ ”

 

He paused for a moment, before an idea popped in his head.

 

“Computer?” Steven asked the room aloud.

 

_ “What do you desire, [PINK DIAMOND]?” _

 

“Can you tell me where Facet 0B2L is?”

 

_ “Said Facet is in the Sealed Off Vitrification Zone.” _

 

“What?”

 

_ “All territory on Homeworld belonging to Pink Diamond was closed off after the beginning of Era 2.” _

 

“Computer, is there any way to get a message down there from here?”

 

_ “All communication systems in the Vitrification Zone were cut off by order of the Great Diamond Authority—” _

 

“C’mon! There has to be  _ something _ still working!”

 

_ “Working… Correction: The public announcement system in Facet 0B2L now reads as operational after unauthorized activation of power systems. Access from this terminal can be acquired via manual rerouting.” _

 

“Okay… How do I do that?”

 

As the computer proceeded to instruct Steven on how to reroute millenia-old computer systems to work with modern systems, another message appeared in his inbox.

 

_ “PRESENCE REQUESTED,”  _ it read.  _ “TRIAL AND EXECUTION OF CRYSTAL GEMS TO BEGIN IMMEDIATELY.” _

 

\---

 

The rock walkway led to another rusted, pink door, half-open on one side. Connie, using all of her strength, pried it open, allowing the two significantly-less strong children to go through. It immediately slammed back into position the second she let go, quickly rushing through without a moment to spare. She braced herself against a wall as she caught her breath.

 

“You’re welcome,” Connie panted, heaving in and out.

 

“Yeah, thanks…” Peedee said, distracted as he and Jeff looked up in awe at the room they’d found themselves in this time.

 

It was shaped like a hexagon, covered in equally-hexagonal cubbies and stretching dozens of rows upward. At the ceiling, there was an open hatchway leading out of the room, which Connie immediately pointed to upon regaining her bearings.

 

“That’s our way out,” she told the two very-tired boys.

 

“Uh, is there another way back there we didn’t check?” Jeff asked, hesitantly.

 

Connie gave him The Look, which made him sigh and also slightly cry. Peedee averted his eyes, knowing how powerful Connie’s glare could be. But alas, he could not resist, and sighed as well, making his way over to the first row of cubbies.

 

“Did I ever mention how much I hated climbing?” Peedee remarked as the three were about to start climbing up.

 

“No, and don’t start,” Connie scolded. “That goes for you too, Jeff.”

 

“...What if I told you my hands were getting sweaty?”

 

“Are they?”

 

“...No…”

 

“Then let’s get climbing boys. We have a Steven to save.”

 

\---

 

_ “Rise and shine, Quartz Guards!”  _ the Pearl-like voice said once again over the intercom as the three kids made their up the barracks.  _ “Break-time’s over, and it’s time to move on out! Our Diamond wouldn’t be happy if you lounged around all day!” _

 

_ “Oh, let ‘em take another break!”  _ Pink Diamond butted in, _ “They’ve worked hard! And I’m over here hardly working!” _

 

_ “Yes, My Diamond,”  _ Pink Pearl agreed.

 

_ “On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t… I  _ am _ supposed to be acting like a ‘proper Diamond,’ after all...” _

 

_ “Yes, My Diamond.” _

 

_ “But then again, I don’t wanna overwork them…” _

 

_ “Yes, My Diamond.” _

 

_ “Oh I can’t decide! You decide, Pearl.” _

 

_ “M-me? Why, I want whatever  _ you _ want, My Diamond!” _

 

_ “...But that’s  _ not _ what I want.” _

 

_ “What?” _

 

_ “I want  _ all _ my Gems to do what  _ they  _ want! Including you!” _

 

_ “But, My Diamond…” _

 

_ “I don’t want a Pearl who just does whatever I tell her!” _

 

Pink Pearl paused, and then began speaking increasingly frantically.  _ “What you want...what I want...I want...you want...I want, you want, I want, you want, iwantyouwantiwantyouwantiwantyouwant—” _

 

The recording cut out there. Thankfully, the trio of kids were now at the top row of cubbies, in spitting distance of the hatchway. Directly in front of them dangled a loose electrical wire, worn and clearly older than any of them combined, but still fairly sturdy.

 

“Peedee, hold onto me while I grab that wire,” Connie instructed.

 

“Well, uh, um, I…” Peedee stammered, unsure of what to do.

 

“Jeff, hold onto me while I grab that wire.”

 

Jeff stepped forward and took hold of Connie’s arm as she reached out over the gap between them and the wire. Peedee shot him a look.

 

“The benefits of being gay,” Jeff shrugged.

 

Connie pulled the wire out as far as she could get it, giving it a final tug for safety’s sake. 

 

“Connie,” Peedee began, concerned, “what...are you doing?”

 

“This,” Connie said before running towards the ledge and jumping for it, swinging on the wire like she was Tarzan. The momentum carried her upwards, into the hatchway above. She threw up her fists in success, then remembering that her friends still needed a way up.

 

“Hey, Connie?” Peedee remarked. “I know we’ve been doing a lot of unforeseen exercise today, but can I be excused from the acrobatic feats?”

 

“Well I don’t see how else you guys are gonna get up here.”

 

“What if you pulled out the wire altogether and pulled us up in it, like in a harness?” Jeff suggested.

 

Connie raised her eyebrow, giving the idea some thought. It  _ could  _ work, she figured. It was worth a shot.

 

\---

 

_ “Pull!”  _ Connie shouted to Jeff as the two pulled Peedee up into the hatchway, the wiring wrapped firmly around him.

 

“I’m trying!” Jeff panted. “Peedee! Stop eating so many fries!”

 

_ “What?!”  _ Peedee freaked.

 

Eventually, they pulled Peedee up through the hatch, who looked at his boyfriend, gasping for breath.

 

“I dangle a hundred feet over the floor and you call me fat?!”

 

“Lapse of judgement, okay?” Jeff defended. “I’m sorry.”

 

“And I’ll have you know that I don’t eat  _ any  _ fries at work! It’s against the Fryman Code of Ethics!”

 

“I said I was sorry!”

 

“I mean, I taste test them a little, but never more than once! Or twice! Or—”

 

_ “Shut! Up!”  _ Connie shouted.

 

The two boys immediately stopped arguing and looked to Connie.

 

“First of all, kiss and make up. You guys argued, which means you really love each other.”

 

Peedee and Jeff turned to each other, their expressions softening into mutual smiles. Jeff went up to Peedee and gave him a peck on the cheek. Peedee chuckled.

 

“Apology accepted.”

 

\---

 

_ “Step #59: Deactivate EPS conduit failsafes,”  _ the computer told Steven as he continued to try and get a message out to his friends.

 

“Wait, why would I deactivate the failsafes?”

 

_ “Correction: Reactivate failsafes.” _

 

Steven sighed and input the commands. This had been going on for several hours now.

 

_ “Step #60: Unlock magnetic seals from auxiliary computer core power supply.” _

 

Steven pressed the button, and a red light on his screen turned green.

 

_ “Conduit flooding now in progress. Plasma tanks at full capacity.” _

 

“That’s...good.”

 

\---

 

_ “WARNING,”  _ a computerized voice rang out through the metal duct the three kids found themselves in,  _ “EPS CONDUIT IS NOW ACTIVE. PLEASE SEAL ALL HATCHWAYS.” _

 

“What does that mean?” Jeff asked, confused.

 

“Something...very bad…” Connie realized as a ball of fire shot down the duct, heading towards them at an alarming rate.

 

“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” Peedee croaked, equally terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably gonna post this more often since I have quite the backlog written and I kinda wanna get this out before it's completely invalidated by new episodes XD


	9. The Call

_ “RUN!!!!!!!!”  _ Jeff screamed, grabbing Connie and Peedee and rushing as fast as he could down the corridor. Or rather, as they had just discovered, the auxiliary plasma conduit for an Era 1 computer core.

 

It was a large, reddish-metallic tube that seemed to go on forever, bluish light seeping in through cracks in the ceiling. Miscellaneous warning signs covered the ductwork, written in Gem language (which Connie was unfortunately only mildly adept in thanks to Pearl).

 

The three kids reached a dead end somewhere down the line, where a huge metal grate stood in their way. With a massive blast of fire approaching quickly behind them, they desperately looked for another way out, Peedee going as far as to try and shove his head through the grate, with little avail. Jeff cocked his head upwards, spotting a sizable crack in the insulation above them.

 

“Guys! C’mon!” Jeff beckoned, grabbing Peedee by the arm and quickly climbing up the grating.

 

“Great thinking Jeff!” Connie complimented, following close behind.

 

The trio climbed up as fast they could, very aware of the inferno that was practically on top of them. Eventually, they reached the top of the grate, and practically threw themselves up through the crack, just barely missing the flames that shot out of it immediately after.

 

Each of them landing face first on solid rock, Peedee was the first one to speak, his face laying firmly on the ground.

 

“...I... _ think _ my ass only got slightly fried from that...”

 

“Language…” Jeff muttered, laughing a little.

 

“Sorry, my  _ butt  _ only got slightly fried from that.”

 

Their banter was interrupted by the familiar sound of the intercom crackling to life, but instead of the prerecorded sounds of Pink Diamond and her Pearl, it was someone much more comforting.

 

_ “Guys?”  _ Steven said over the garbled, distorted speakers.  _ “Can you hear me?” _

 

“STEVEN?!” Connie exclaimed, shooting to her feet.

 

_ “Connie!”  _ she heard in return, Steven’s voice bringing a much needed smile to her face.  _ “Oh jeez, it’s so good to hear your voice again.” _

 

“Hi Steven!” Jeff waved up at nothing.

 

_ “Heh, hi Jeff. How’re you guys holding up?” _

 

“Well I’ve gotten more exercise than I thought I would in a lifetime, so that’s been fun,” Peedee snarked.

 

“How are  _ you  _ holding up, Steven?” Connie asked, more concerned for him than anything.

 

_ “I’m…alright…” _

 

“Steven,” Connie said with nothing more than a nod and a knowing look.

 

_ “Okay, it sucks up here. White Diamond took away all my stuff and is making me do stupid Diamond crud.” _

 

“That blows, Steven,” Peedee commented.

 

_ “You’re right about that, Peedee,”  _ Steven laughed.

 

“Steven, the Gems are still in trouble,” Connie told the boy, “They got captured after we escaped, and White Diamond wants them executed!”

 

_ “Well they gotta be put on trial first…”  _ Steven thought,  _ “I’ll see what I can do! I’m Pink Diamond, right? I gotta be able to Phillip-Ruster them or something until we can break ‘em out.” _

 

“It’s ‘filibuster,’ Steven, but that’s okay. We’ll keep pushing forward down here, you do what you can.”

 

_ “Alright, stay safe guys! The connection’s breaking apart so I don’t think I can talk much more. I lo—” _

 

The intercom cut out there, reduced to mere static. Connie felt herself exhale, somewhere between a sigh and a holding back of emotion. Peedee laid a hand on her shoulder.

 

“We’ll get back to him soon, don’t you worry,” he comforted her, Jeff nodding in agreement close by. “Now how do we get out of  _ this _ circle of hell?”

 

“Well, the only way is forward,” Jeff shrugged, taking the initiative.

 

The three continued on through the caverns, which were cold and gray and dark, with very little in the form of scenery. They were now in another Kindergarten, which thankfully had fewer death traps. Connie figured. As they walked, they heard the intercom flicker on again.

 

“Steven?” Connie asked aloud, a dash of hope in her eyes.

 

_ “Hey, Pink Diamond here…”  _ they heard Steven’s mother say instead, a tinge of disappointment in her voice,  _ “I know you’ve only just emerged so you probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but do you know what it’s like to do something you think is good but it’s actually a mistake?  _

 

_ “I dunno, White’s giving me a ‘more sensible’ Pearl… And I miss the other Pearl… Isn’t that crazy? Missing a Pearl? We’re just supposed to think of them as things, but… You don't feel bad when a thing breaks, do you? _

 

_ “Anyway, let’s...let’s stay optimistic...and keep making Gems. Create something from nothing, right?” _

 

The recording ended there. Eventually, Connie began noticing footsteps in the rock that weren’t theirs. There were the normal sets of twos, but then she began to spot what looked like footsteps of someone with at least eight feet...

 

“These are recent,” she said, sticking her finger in one footstep and licking it.

 

“That was gross,” Peedee commented.

 

“Survival skills aren’t gross,” Connie then said, shutting the boy up. “But if these tracks are new...then we haven’t been the only ones to fall down here, right?”

 

Soon, the three found themselves in a larger cave, with a huge pillar of rock in the center. Impact points from various explosions scarred the walls, along with scattered debris of Homeworld tech strewn across the ground. Confirming Connie’s suspicions of what this place was, she spotted a small device laying in an exit hole.

 

_ “A cell phone?”  _ Jeff asked, looking over Connie’s shoulder. “What’s a phone doing down here?”

 

Connie opened up the phone and saw a picture of Sadie, taken sometime last summer on a bench along the boardwalk. She was smiling a cute smile, as if someone had just said something funny but she didn’t want to snort out her milkshake with laughter.

 

“It’s Lars’ phone…” Connie realized. “He must have left it here when he and the Off Colors escaped.”

 

“Well how’s that gonna help us?” Peedee asked cynically. “I mean, it’s not like we can  _ call _ somebody.”

 

An idea popped into Connie’s head. There  _ was _ one person on Homeworld she knew who had a phone, and almost definitely would have been crazy enough to make it work in space.

 

She opened up Lars’ phone (No password? Really, Lars?) and typed in the number that she had quickly learned by heart. The phone rang for what felt like an eternity, until it finally found a connection.

 

“Hello?” she heard Pearl say on the other end.

 

“Hello, ma’am,” Connie sighed. 

 

It felt good to hear a familiar voice.


	10. The Escape

Pearl, Amethyst, Ruby, Sapphire and the two Topazes sat idly in their holding cell. It was a dull pink room, featureless but almost perfectly square. There wasn’t anything to do but wait for their trial. Well, that and listen to their so-called lawyer sob in the corner.

 

_ “Why?”  _ Blue Zircon asked the ceiling, desperately searching for an answer,  _ “Why me?  _ Why  _ me? _ I was a good public defender! Followed the rules, showed up on time, didn’t interfere with proceedings...I may have fought to get some sentences reduced but I didn’t do anything to deserve this!”

 

“Didn’t you accuse the Diamonds of murder?” one of the Topazes asked, her eyebrow raised.

 

Blue Zircon’s face went dark blue with embarrassment.

 

“That—!” the disheveled lawyer began before regaining her composure. “That is besides the point!”

 

“Whatever you say,” Sapphire remarked. “For a public defender, you aren’t doing much defending.”

 

“Shut up!” Blue Zircon snapped. “First I defend Rose Quartz, shatterer of Pink Diamond, and now—”

 

“Dude, Rose Quartz  _ was  _ Pink Diamond,” Amethyst brought up nonchalantly. “Get with the program, bro.”

 

Blue Zircon’s eyes went wide, her legs going limp.

 

_ “Because of course she was!”  _ she screamed, falling to the floor in a fetal position.

 

The ranting and rambling that followed was eventually interrupted by a ringing from within Pearl’s head. Pearl quickly summoned her phone and, after hesitating at the unrecognized number, answered it and held it to her ear.

 

“Hello?” Pearl asked, unsure of how someone could be calling her here of all places.

 

“Ma’am! It’s Connie!” she heard on the other end.

 

“Connie?!” Pearl exclaimed, half-worried and half-excited to hear her student’s voice again. Amethyst, Sapphire and Ruby’s eyes each lit up at the news, rushing over to the phone to listen in.

 

“Oh goodness, we were so worried!” Pearl said with a sigh of relief. “Where are you? And are the two boys alright?”

 

“We ended up pretty deep underground, ma’am, but we’ve been making progress. Jeff and Peedee are holding up fine.”

 

_ “Speak for yourself, my legs feel like they’re dyin’ over here!”  _ she heard Peedee shout into the receiver.

 

“Anyway,” Connie continued, ignoring Peedee, “We made contact with Steven earlier and told him you guys were in trouble.”

 

“Oh my gosh, how is he?” 

 

“He’s...been better. White Diamond’s been making him do Pink Diamond stuff.”

 

“Okay, that’s not  _ good _ but I guess it’s not that bad either…” Pearl figured, thinking aloud. 

 

“Yeah, I think he’s gonna try and help you guys out.”

 

“Well I don’t see how. We’re supposed to go on trial any second now.”

 

Pearl’s eyes widened as a realization popped into her head. 

 

“Unless,” she went on, quickly speaking her thoughts, “Unless Steven will be there  _ acting  _ as Pink Diamond… He wouldn’t be able to do much but he could at least buy us some time.”

 

“Ah crud, Lars’ battery’s running low,” Connie muttered. “Ma’am, I won’t be able to talk much more, but everything’s going to be okay, don’t you worry!”

 

“Stay safe, Connie,” Pearl nodded, feeling herself become emotional.

 

“And stay alive, too!” Amethyst interjected, earning a look of disapproval from Pearl and a snicker from Ruby.

 

“And be sure to look up,” Sapphire imparted, cryptic as ever.

 

“Thanks, guys!” Connie said, “I’ll… _ We’ll  _ see you all soon! Good luck!”

 

“You—” Pearl began to say as the call ended, “—too…”

 

“Who was that?” the other Topaz asked, breaking the silence that followed.

 

“Was it the executioner, here to banish me to the realm of stardust?” Blue Zircon also asked, now face-down on the floor.

 

_ “No,” _ just about everyone in the room answered at once.

 

\---

 

A large rock blocked the entrance to the cave, but not entirely. A small sliver was unblocked near the top, with just enough space (hopefully) for the three kids to slip themselves through. Connie tried first, forcing herself through the crack between the rock and the entrance. Halfway through, however, she found herself, well, stuck.

 

“Uh, guys?” she asked awkwardly. “Can you...help me?”

 

Jeff and Peedee scrambled up onto the rock, grabbing Connie’s feet and pushing as hard as they could. Luckily, it worked forcing Connie through onto the other side of the rock. The two boys soon followed, with more or less the same scratches as they were pulled through the crack.

 

“Ow…” Peedee said as he got up off the ground. “I think that’s enough crawling through small spaces for today.”

 

Someone should have told Peedee to be careful what he wished for, as the group found themselves walking through another massive Kindergarten, which stretched miles upwards and downwards. The three hesitantly walked across the walkway as they heard the intercom crackle to life once more.

 

_ “Attention,”  _ a familiar voice said over the intercom,  _ “This Kindergarten Complex will be shut down by the end of tomorrow, in honor of groundbreaking on Pink Diamond’s new colony. All Peridots  _ must  _ have all injector offlining procedures encoded by the end of today. Any personnel besides basic maintenance Gems are to be relocated to Earth assignments immediately. This is your final warning. Goodbye.” _

 

“That...sounded a lot like Pearl…” Connie mused as they crossed through into another dark corridor. “But not the Pearl from before; I think that was  _ our  _ Pearl.”

 

“Our Pearl?” Jeff asked, confused.

 

“Well, I mean, the one  _ we _ know.”

 

“Oh, right, right,” Jeff chuckled. “Do you think she’s going to be alright?”

 

“What?”

 

“The Crystal Gems, I mean,” Jeff corrected. “Are they gonna be okay, or…”

 

Connie sighed. “I…” She stopped, looking at Jeff’s innocent eyes, worried but still unwavering. She couldn’t break him with what would undoubtedly be unresolvable pessimism. She had to stay positive.

 

“I know Steven will do everything he can to save them,” she nodded, brightening the boy’s mood.

 

“Hey guys, I think we hit a dead-end,” Peedee said, standing farther down the rocky corridor.

 

He appeared to be right, as the corridor quickly ran out just ahead of him. The trio at first hung their heads in defeat, until Jeff got an idea.

 

“Wait…” he remembered, “One of Steven’s moms said to look up. I wonder…”

 

Jeff craned his head upwards and began walking backwards the way they came. He stopped when he noticed a peculiar hole in the ceiling of the corridor. It was covered shut by what appeared to be a rock, but that didn’t mean it would be hard to move. 

 

Of course, there was only one way to find out.

 

\---

 

The three kids stood atop each others’ shoulders— Connie at the bottom, Peedee in the middle and Jeff at the top —struggling to reach up to the hole to push the rock away. As they finally found some sort of balance, Jeff stuck his hand out against the rock, which was thankfully easy to push aside. Sensing that salvation was within their grasp, Jeff lunged himself upwards at the hole, causing Connie and Peedee to tumble over as he grabbed hold of the rock ledge.

 

“Jeff!” Peedee shouted, worried for his boyfriend’s life.

 

Peedee felt his heart stop for a second as Jeff’s legs dangled high above him, his arms in danger of slipping from their precarious grip on the rock above. Jeff, realizing that he wasn’t quite dead yet, summoned all the strength he could muster and forced himself up out of the hole, scurrying to safety.

 

“I’m alive?  _ I’m alive!”  _ Jeff exclaimed shouting at the heavens.

 

“Jeff, you made it!” Peedee called out to him.

 

“Y-yeah, I guess I did!” Jeff called back, a smile appearing on both of the boys’ faces.

 

“Is there anything up there you can pull us up with?” Connie asked. “Or anything we can climb?”

 

“Uh, hold on!” Jeff said before rushing off to search for such an object.

 

The area he had emerged into was equally as abandoned as the other spaces they had gone through, with a dark, eerie atmosphere and dozens of broken statues littered amongst what appeared to be massive support pillars. He spotted one statue with a long, stone spear and shrugged. That could work, right?

 

As he tugged at the spear in an effort to break it off the aged figure, he found himself being scanned by a red, cone-shaped robonoid. His heart stopped, his eyes widening like a deer in headlights while the drone ran its bright red beam over him. He finally exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding when the droid moved on, apparently not detecting him in the slightest. Snapping him out of his come-down from the sheer terror of it all was the spear, which finally broke free of the statue and fell into his hands. Unfortunately for Jeff, it was very heavy.

 

He dragged the stone weapon over to the hole and eased it down into it, allowing Peedee and Connie to climb up and out.

 

“Great going, Jeff!” Connie told him as she climbed to safety.

 

“You guys owe me, like, twenty Slushees when we get back,” Jeff panted, his muscles strained to their limits.

 

“Consider it done,” Peedee laughed, giving the boy a small hug. “Now, where to?”

 

The three took a good look around at their surroundings. Sure, they were out of the caves, but they still had quite a way to go.

 

“You don’t have a clue where to go now, do you?” Peedee asked Connie, who merely turned to him and shrugged, before marching onward into the ruins.

 

“Ho boy…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes are getting closer and closer to salvation! Will they reach Steven and the Crystal Gems in time? How will their trial go? Tune in next time and find out!
> 
> (I swear I'm going to finish this before Battle of Heart and Mind comes out)


	11. The Stalling

“White Diamond requires that you all rise,” White Pearl said, her voice as stoic and cold as ever.

 

The accused Gems sat in the courtroom, which had been updated to re-include Pink Diamond in the floor insignia, within a smaller, grayish diamond in the middle. It was fairly crowded, with minimal leg room, but the Crystal Gems had more pressing matters to complain about.

 

“Who cares…” Blue Zircon muttered, laying beside his clients. “We’re all going to  _ die  _ eventually!”

 

“Well  _ yeah,” _ one of the Topazes shrugged, “But you don’t have to get all mopey about it.”

 

Yellow Zircon, standing on the other side of the accused, sighed and presented a Diamond salute, nodding for the proceedings to continue. As White Pearl stood in the white diamond adorning the floor, Yellow and Blue Pearl appeared in their respective colors, noticeably disturbed by White Pearl’s presence. Pearl offered them a sympathetic smile, which they accepted with a small smile in return. On the Pink Diamond part of the logo, Steven then appeared, bringing a much-needed burst of joy to both the Gems and the small 14-year-old.

 

“STEVEN!” they called out at once, rushing to hug the boy.

 

“Hey, hey, I’m fine!” Steven chuckled as they fell the floor in an embrace.

 

“What’s White Diamond been doing to you?” Pearl asked, concerned. “If she’s laid one finger on you, I swear—”

 

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s actually been pretty boring,” Steven smiled as he stood back up.

 

“That outfit don’t look so boring,” Amethyst commented. “Lose a bet?”

 

“Nah, this is...just what mom used to wear and, well, I think I’m starting to see why she went barefoot the rest of her life.” Steven took a step back onto his section of the room and nodded. “But yeah, it’s...it’s really great to see you guys.”

 

Before the reunion could continue, the other diamonds along the floor glowed to life, first summoning White Diamond herself. She shone like a bright, fluorescent light, standing so tall Steven could have swore he could make out a ceiling in the otherwise immeasurable room. Blue and Yellow arrived shortly thereafter, silently averting their eyes from White and sitting in their respective thrones.

 

_ “Ah…”  _ White began, smiling her trademark creepy smile, “It’s good to see that you’re on time, Starlight. It is about time you saw what a trial looks like. Well, from the judge’s perspective, at least.”

 

Steven gulped, but managed to gather enough confidence to give the Crystal Gems  a wink. He had this, right?

 

“Now, let us begin with a verdict,” White nodded, summoning her dazzlingly white throne. _ “Guilty. _ Also, a sentencing, because why not: Violent,  _ violent _ shattering. It’s quite extremely  _ not  _ painless in the slightest. Oh, and anything else you’d like to add, Starlight?”

 

“Uh… Yes?”

 

“Good, I’m glad  _ somebody _ here has ideas. Starlight is so,  _ so _ smart, isn’t she?”

 

Yellow sighed and stifled a groan, looking down at Steven with...sympathy? Understanding? Pity? Jealousy?

 

“Anyway,” White continued, “What have you got for these traitors, Pink?”

 

“...Um…” Steven began, his mouth suddenly running dry, “A verdict of innocent? And a sentencing of...freedom?”

 

White began to laugh a creepy, unnerving laugh. It went on for a solid minute, her face completely expressionless other than ineffectual amusement. White Pearl stood next to her, still smiling a false, plastered-on smile, as if agreeing with Her Diamond’s sentiment.

 

“Oh,” she finally said once she had stopped laughing, “You were serious. Thunderbolt, Teardrop? Anything you would like to add?”

 

“No!” Yellow quickly blurted out, clearly uncomfortable around her elder.

 

“Nothing at all,” Blue agreed, eyeing the Crystal Gems with suspicion and vengeance.

 

“Then let us hear the Defense’s opening statements,” White nodded, sitting down in her throne and smiling once more.

 

The Gems all looked to Blue Zircon, who had been reduced to doodling on one of her holographic pads.

 

“Zircon…” Steven whispered across to her, “You’re up!”

 

“Existence is meaningless,” Blue Zircon muttered. “We’ll all be bits of sand eventually. Why go on at all?”

 

“Is that a  _ guilty plea  _ I hear?” Yellow Zircon asked, a smug smile across her face. “You have really let yourself go!”

 

“Alright, let’s just execute and move on,” Yellow Diamond sighed, uncomfortable with the blue lawyer’s... _ embarrassing _ first words.

 

“Wait!” Steven called out.

 

The three Diamonds turned and looked at Steven with a glare that could have pierced titanium, making him lose his resolve fairly quickly.

 

“W-well, I mean, like...what did they actually do that was bad?”

 

“...You can’t be serious,” Yellow said, her eyes wide with surprise.

 

“Yeah!” Steven continued, regaining his confidence, “If the Crystal Gems are really as bad as you say they are, then you should have to prove it!”

 

“They’re  _ traitors,  _ Pink,” Blue snapped. “Everyone knows that!”

 

White Diamond raised her hand, tilting her eyebrow in intrigue.

 

“Now, now,” she nodded, “Starlight may have a point.”

 

“She does?” Yellow asked, incredulously.

 

“I do?” Steven also asked, before realizing that this was actually going well. “Oh, yeah, I do! Yellow Zircon, the list of charges!”

 

“Well, Your Lustrousness,” the prosecuting gem began, “The only thing we have down here is ‘treason,’ so…”

 

“That’s not enough!” Steven shouted. “I want... _ all  _ the charges! Everything! In alphabetical order!”

 

“B-but, Your Radiance, you understand that may take some time…”

 

Steven sat back down on his throne, folding his arms smugly. “We can wait.”

 

The Crystal Gems looked at Steven with equally-smug smiles, each knowing exactly what he was doing. Blue and Yellow collectively let out a sigh, realizing that White was... _ amused  _ by this at the very least, and wasn’t going to do a thing about it. They both sat back in their own thrones as Blue Zircon began shouting about the pointlessness of existence while Yellow Zircon frantically began pulling up old files and cursing under her breath.

 

This was going to be a long day.

 

\---

 

The area just above the Vitrification Zone was more or less a garbage dump, all things considered. It was dark, foggy, and littered with broken statues and other miscellaneous Era 1 junk. As Peedee, Connie and Jeff made their way through the grim refuse, they managed to keep up their spirits with a song Steven had made them memorize a while back.

 

_ “Tears of sorrow, tears of joy, there’ll be tears to the very end! Food with feelings, Crying Breakfast Friends!”  _ they sang, before quickly running out of words once more.

 

“One more time!” Connie said, urging them forward.

 

“Don’t we know some other songs?” Peedee asked, tired. “No offense, but that show kinda stinks.”

 

“Hey!” Jeff said, defensively.

 

“It kinda does, yeah,” Connie added.

 

“Well… I don’t appreciate your tone!” Jeff mockingly pouted, folding his arms as they continued through the rocky terrain. “At least Steven shares my good taste!”

 

“Steven likes eating raw flour, Jeff,” Peedee turned and said.

 

“...Point taken,” Jeff conceded before noticing something in the distance. “Hey, what’s that?”

 

Running into a clearing, the group found a large, smashed-up structure, that had apparently fallen from quite a large height. Above it was a long shaft leading up to the surface, shining some much needed light down onto the three.

 

“I think I know what this is!” Connie exclaimed as they ran up to it. “Steven said that after his trial, he and Lars fell down here in Blue Diamond’s Palanquin.”

 

“What’s a Palanquin?” Jeff asked.

 

“This,” Peedee remarked with a smug smile.

 

Connie climbed into the wreckage, beginning to pull open the control panel on the Palanquin’s armrest. Behind it was a mish-mash of wires, circuits and batteries, all made from highly-advanced Homeworld tech.

 

“Now let’s see if getting Pearl to help with my science project paid off…”

 

“Hey, isn’t that cheating?” Peedee asked.

 

“Not if she threatens Mr. Barriga with bodily harm!”

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s worse than cheating.”

 

“Got it!” Connie exclaimed as the control panel sparked to life.

 

The totaled Palanquin, while the majority of it had been destroyed in the crash, still retained most of its core systems. Two out of its four legs were nonfunctional, but that was just enough to move the hulking structure out of the debris pile.

 

“Climb on, boys!” Connie called out. “We got ourselves a Steven to reunite with!”

 

\---

 

“In addition,” Yellow Zircon exhaustedly said as she read down the excruciatingly long list of charges against the Crystal Gems, “On Log Date 3 09 1, the Pearl in question  _ also  _ fought in the battles of the Sea Spire  _ and _ the Beta Kindergarten…”

 

“Very proudly, I may add,” Pearl interjected.

 

“Zircon, you’re falling behind on specifics…” Steven said, his arms folded mock-petulantly.

 

_ “Fine,”  _ Yellow Zircon muttered. “In the first battle, she reportedly shouted, ‘For the Crystal Gems!’ and stabbed twenty-four—”

 

“Twenty-seven!” Pearl interjected once more.

 

_ “...Twenty-seven  _ Homeworld soldiers.”

 

Steven gave Yellow Zircon a glare.

 

“And the  _ names  _ of those soldiers were…”

 

“In reverse alphabetical order,” Steven ordered, making Blue and Yellow Diamond sigh again as the Zircon frantically scrolled through her research screens. They looked over to White, who was clearly enjoying the proceedings.

 

“I’m starting to miss when she was dead,” Yellow muttered.

 

\---

 

The skeleton of Blue Diamond’s Palanquin slowly climbed its way up the shaft, the starry sky getting closer and closer. Peedee and Jeff held on for dear life while Connie kept the controls working, sitting in what remained of Blue Diamond’s throne.

 

“We’re almost there!” Connie called out to the two boys, who sat at the base of the Palanquin whilst holding each other in a tight embrace.

 

“I think I’m getting Palanquin-Sick,” Jeff muttered as his face went green.

 

\---

 

“Amethyst-8XM is guilty of...nothing!” Yellow Zircon noted, surprised. “There’s actually nothing listed here. She should be free to go!”

 

“Look at me, being a good seed an’ all,” Amethyst laughed as she stood up and attempted to leave.

 

“Wait, no,” Yellow Zircon interrupted, shaking her head, “She’s guilty of  _ several  _ crimes on Pink Diamond’s colony, up to and including Not Liking Crying Breakfast Friends, Making Fun of Steven, Playing Pranks on Steven, Being Unfair to Steven on April Fools’ Day, Letting Steven Beat Her on April Fools’ Day…”

 

Amethyst looked up and saw Steven on his own holo-screen, embarrassingly entering things into her file. He shrugged awkwardly as she sat back down in the accused triangle.

 

“Also, there’s a footnote here that just says ‘Sorry, love ya Ames,’ which I can only assume is another crime on Earth.”

 

\---

 

“Almost, almost…” Connie said as the Palanquin shakily made its way up towards Pink Diamond’s palace, located just beneath where the ship was parked. They just about reached the window when the two remaining legs of the Palanquin began to give out, causing the trio to scramble for safety.

 

“Go, go, go!” Connie shouted as she and the two boys leapt through the window and into Pink Diamond’s room, barely making it before the Palanquin completely fell apart and plummeted back to the bottom.

 

“This might just be the longest day of my life,” Peedee commented as he, Jeff and Connie laid on the floor, catching their breath.

 

“Okay, now we need to get into the ship,” Connie said, standing up without even breaking a sweat.

 

_ “Request detected,”  _ the computer suddenly said over the intercom,  _ “Transporting beings to ship.” _

 

“Wait, what?” Jeff asked as a pink bubble formed around the three kids, sending them up to into the bridge of Pink Diamond’s ship. The bubble popped, dropping them on the cold, pink floor.

 

“This place really needs better customer service,” Peedee snarked.

 

Connie ran over to the control screens, feeling how close they were to escape.

 

“Okay, okay…” she muttered as she read the screens, quickly realizing that she didn’t understand a word of Gem Language. She turned her attention to the platform Steven had stood at to operate the ship, running over to it and standing in his place.

 

_ “Pink Diamond not detected,”  _ the computer said,  _ “Ship only operable by members of the Diamond Authority. All trespassers will be executed.”  _

 

“Wait!” Jeff shouted, fearing that they were about to be killed for real this time. “Uh, what if the...Gem Detectors or whatever, like, broke?”

 

The computer thought for a moment.  _ “In the event of Gem Detection Malfunction, security protocols require the manual answering of three security questions.” _

 

“Give us the questions!” Peedee quickly replied, eager to leave the hell-planet.

 

_ “First question: What is your favorite food?” _

 

“Steven must have picked these out on the way here…” Connie muttered. “I’m pretty sure the answer to that is Cookie Cats.”

 

“No, I think it’s Fry Bits,” Peedee disagreed.

 

_ “The answers ‘Cookie Cats’ and ‘Fry Bits’ are both Correct.” _

 

“Wait, there can be more than one?” Peedee then asked, not getting a reply.

 

_ “Second Question: Who is your favorite Gem?” _

 

“Pearl!” Connie quickly answered, remembering back to her first mission up in the Great North.

 

_ “Correct. Third Question: Who is your favorite Human?” _

 

Connie froze in place for a good few seconds, before Peedee and Jeff both answered “Connie!”

 

_ “Correct. Welcome Pink Diamond.” _

 

Connie felt herself blush, before shaking her head and heading back over to the platform. To her dismay, nothing happened.

 

“Hey, what gives?” Peedee asked.

 

_ “In the event of Gem Detector Malfunction, Physical Form Detectors will verify identity using previous entry.” _

 

“Wait, so it has to be someone shaped like Steven?” Jeff asked, subsequently realizing that Peedee and Connie were looking directly at him. And he had to admit, with Steven’s gradual weight loss and his own tendency to eat junk food, he kinda-sorta matched Steven in physique. But there was no way he was going to pilot a giant Leg Ship. 

 

Nope, nadda, uh-uh. Never in a million, trillion years—

 

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

 

\---

 

“And...that’s about it,” Yellow Zircon concluded, closing the list of charges.

 

“Finally!” Yellow Diamond exclaimed, sitting back up in her throne. “May we  _ please  _ get to the execution already?”

 

“Does the defense have any words?” White Diamond asked, looking down at the blue legal gem still cowering on the floor.

 

“Yellow Zircon!” Blue Zircon suddenly said, standing up. “I must confess a grave injustice being committed, before me and my clients all locked away forever!”

 

“Uh...sure?”

 

Blue Zircon marched over to the yellow gem and planted a firm kiss on her lips, earning several gasps (and a cackle from Amethyst).

 

_ “Zircon!”  _ Blue Diamond scolded, glaring at the two lawyers harshly.

 

“I have no regrets!” Blue Zircon proclaimed.

 

While Blue Zircon made an even bigger fool of herself, a notification appeared on Yellow Pearl’s screen, apparently something serious enough to pass onto Her Diamond.

 

“My Diamond?”

 

“What is it, Pearl?” 

 

“The Sun Incinerator has been reported attacking the asteroid mines in Sector 09, My Diamond.”

 

“Have they contacted the Commander of the Fleet?” Yellow Diamond asked, her expression becoming more serious.

 

“They say all attempts to contact Emerald-9KJ have gone silent, My Diamond.”

 

Yellow thought for a moment, before standing up out of her throne.

 

“I’m afraid I will have to miss the execution,” Yellow nodded, “Something has come up. Pink, you’re with me.”

 

“Wait, what?” Steven asked as Yellow picked him up and carried him out of the courtroom.

 

“You deserve to see what  _ real  _ dispensing of justice looks like.”

 

“Wait!” Steven cried out as he and Yellow warped out of the room.

 

Blue Diamond sat in her throne silently for a few moments, before she too stood up.

 

“I…also have important things to do, I just remembered. So...bye!” Blue said as she warped away as well, leaving the Crystal Gems alone with White.

 

_ “Well, well, well…”  _ White Diamond began, eyeing the rebels viciously,  _ “What do we have here…” _

 

The matriarch raised her hand, the palm beginning to glow menacingly. The Crystal Gems froze in place, like deer in headlights, until they began to hear a noise gradually getting louder outside. Pearl was the only one to recognize it, a defiant smile forming on her face.

 

_ “Pearl, what is that—”  _ White Diamond began before being interrupted by the rear end of Pink Diamond’s ship smashed through the ceiling of the courtroom, knocking White out completely and poofing her Pearl. 

 

Popping out of the enormous pink buttocks were Jeff, Peedee and Connie, who waved at the Crystal Gems from high above.

 

“Hi guys!” Jeff shouted.

 

“C’mon, get in!” Connie called down to them, pointing to a rather awkwardly-placed hatchway.

 

“I’ve done weirder things today,” Amethyst shrugged.

 

The two Zircons also shrugged, figuring that both of their careers were over anyway, and it was as good a time as any to join Pink Diamond’s personal rebel group. Topaz and Topaz fused back together, excitedly running into the ship without a moment to spare. As did Ruby and Sapphire, forming Garnet and rushing aboard. Pearl was the only one who lingered, as she looked for something in the rubble— White Diamond’s Pearl —quickly grabbing it just as her owner started to wake.

 

_ “That is not allowed, Pearl,”  _ White hissed, her eyes opening frightfully.

 

Pearl sprinted back to the ship, climbing aboard and giving Jeff (whom she was surprised was in control of the ship but wasn’t complaining) the go-ahead to depart. Jeff frantically moved his legs about, shaking the ship free as White got up off of the floor and raised her glowing palm once more.

 

“Jump! Jump, Jeff!” Peedee shouted into his ear,

 

“Uh, okay!” Jeff said, struggling to get the hang of what was apparently a 1:1 control system. 

 

The battered ship stood up in the wrecked courtroom, turning around and promptly kicking White Diamond in the jaw as they lept off into the atmosphere. Watching Homeworld get smaller and smaller in the viewscreen, Peedee and Connie pulled Jeff into a tight hug, laughing with joy. 

 

“We did it!” the three proclaimed as Topaz and the Crystal Gems pulled them into an even bigger hug.

 

“I’m so glad you’re safe!” Pearl cried. “We were so worried that you would get hurt or fall down a chasm or  _ both!”  _

 

“We’re fine, Pearl!” Connie laughed, before her expression became more serious. “But...what about Steven?”   
  


“Yeah, where is that goofball?” Peedee asked, releasing Jeff from his hug.

 

“I’m afraid Yellow took him just before you arrived,” Pearl explained. “They’re headed to her asteroid mines in Sector 09 now.”

 

“Well, then set us to go there!” Amethyst suggested, thinking it obvious. “We show up, do some pow-pow, get Steven back, and go home!”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Peedee shrugged.

 

“Just...try not to have too much pow-pow,” Jeff told them. “My legs can only take so much jumping around in one day.”

 

The Fanclub Minus One cheered as Pearl set the ship’s course for Yellow Diamond’s asteroid mines, heading there as fast as the Era 1 vessel could muster. Meanwhile, down on the planet, White Diamond awoke, and summoned her own ship to follow.

 

Pink wouldn’t get away from her this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We're in the endgame now."
> 
> I still haven't decided if the computer voice should sound like the Majel Barrett's Star Trek computer voice or the Portal 2 announcer voice lol


	12. The Final Battle

“You know, you look pretty good in pink,” Peedee told Jeff, whose legs were still covered in the glowing pink pants required to run the ship.

 

“Y-you really think so?”

 

“Jeff, when have I ever lied to you?”

 

Jeff thought about that for about a moment too long.

 

“Jeff!”

 

“Sorry! I was just making sure.”

 

“Hey, meatsacks!” Yellow Zircon called out. “We’re almost there.”

 

“Right, right,” Jeff nodded, attempting to put his legs in the “drop out of warp” position, whatever that even was.

 

The ship arrived at the asteroid field, where they could see Yellow Diamond’s ship orbiting the control station as smaller Homeworld ships took on the Sun Incinerator.

 

“Fluorite, did we get the Floatanium?” Lars asked as his ship was rocked by blaster fire.

 

_ “Yes……..”  _ Fluorite responded,  _ “But….we…still...need...time...to...process…” _

 

“Well process it!” Lars barked. “Rutiles, take us back through the asteroids. And Rhodonite, don’t tell me the odds of us making it through.”

 

“On it, Captain.”

 

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

 

“S-sir,” Rhodonite stammered, “we have an incoming transmission from… Holy stars…”

 

“What is it?”

 

“It’s from  _ Pink Diamond’s _ ship!”

 

“Pink Diamond?” Lars asked aloud. “I thought she was dead!”

 

The image of Connie, Jeff and Peedee standing aboard the bridge of Pink Diamond’s ship flickered onto the screen.

 

“Reports of our death have been greatly exaggerated,” Peedee remarked.

 

“The  _ Hell?”  _ Lars sputtered. “You know what, I’m not even going to ask. Just please tell me you guys have weapons.”

 

“Pearl, do we have weapons?” Connie asked offscreen.

 

“Heck yeah, we do!” 

 

The screen then showed the pair of pink legs taking aim with its heels and launching energy blasts at the attacking ships. The weapons were somewhat weak and pretty outdated, but they still packed enough of a punch to make a difference.

 

“Alright!” Lars exclaimed, smacking his hands together. “Ass Ship, you hold them off while we process the Floatanium. Fluorite, transfer as much power as you can to shields and weapons. Let’s show these turds what us turds can do.”

 

“Oh my gosh… Pink Diamond is alive!” Padparadscha exclaimed.

 

\---

 

“Hey, I remember this place!” Steven said as he followed Yellow into her main control room.

 

“Oh, have you finally regathered your memories?”

 

“No, this is just where you were when Peridot called you a clod.”

 

Yellow Diamond refused to dignify that with a response, simply climbing up onto her work station— which looked suspiciously like a lounge chair —and proceeding to command the fleet against the Sun Incinerator.

 

“Wait, that can’t be…” Yellow said, confused. “Pink, is that your ship out there?”

 

Steven walked up to the window and saw the giant pair of pink legs floating by in space, blasting away at Homeworld forces.

 

“Uh...no?”

 

“Pink, you were always a terrible liar.”

 

“I got you to believe I was shattered, didn’t I?”

 

“...That is besides the point.”

 

Yellow Pearl couldn’t help but snicker.

 

\---

 

“Jump! Now, spin! Now do the hokey-pokey!” Peedee shouted, relaying instructions to Jeff as he hopped around on the control platform.

 

_ “Peedee!”  _ Jeff shouted, already sweating gallons.

 

“Okay, no hokey-pokey.”

 

“When we get home, I’m getting into bed and never leaving,” Jeff panted, utterly exhausted by the maneuvers he was making the ship do.

 

“Hard to port!” Connie called out, spotting several torpedoes heading their way.

 

“Which way is that again?” Jeff asked, before being knocked over by the force of the impact explosion.

 

_ “Explosion detected in aft end. Reactor Core damaged,”  _ the computer informed them. _ “Fuel leak detected in [TWELVE] sections. Fire detected in [THIRTEEN] sections. Meltdown in [FORTY-FIVE] minutes.” _

 

“Well then, I guess you could say we’re pretty...butthurt?” Jeff said as he got up off the floor. He stood back on the pad as everyone glared at him. “Okay, bad pun.”

 

\---

 

“Captain, we’re reading a massive object emerging from hyperspace,” Rhodonite informed him.

 

“On screen.”

 

The image of White Diamond’s massive head-ship appeared on the screen, as it tore through the asteroid field, nonchalantly moving towards them at a graceful-yet-menacing speed.

 

“Shit…” Lars muttered before snapping back to reality. “Rutiles, evasive maneuvers! Fluorite, work faster!” 

 

Fluorite raised her hand, as if about to speak.

 

“And don’t talk while you’re working!” Lars interrupted. “You know better!”

 

“Captain, Pink Diamond’s ship is disabled,” Rhodonite told him. “Looks like they’re headed for a core meltdown!”

 

“Damn my good conscience,” Lars said under his breath. “Okay, change of plans. Take us towards the big broken butt and get them out of there!”

 

“White Diamond has arrived!” Padparadscha exclaimed once more.

 

\---

 

“Please tell me this ship has escape pods…” Blue Zircon pleaded with Pearl, who was very unamused.

 

_ “Meltdown in [THIRTY] minutes.” _

 

“I’m afraid Pink jettisoned the escape pods 7,000 years ago when she thought it was a good idea to play interstellar kickball with them,” Pearl said matter-of-factly. “In hindsight, it was a pretty bad one...”

 

_ “I’LL SAY!”  _ Blue Zircon shouted before collapsing back onto the floor.

 

Lars got on the screen once again.

 

“We’re on our way to rescue you guys, so hold tight—”

 

Lars was cut off by White Diamond, who jammed the signal and replaced it with her own.

 

_ “Hello there. It’s a shame to see you wreck Pink’s ship like that, but we can always make another one. Your untimely demises will be welcome in the new order—” _

 

“Hey, Cruella DeVille!” Peedee shouted. “Does this conversation have a point or…?”

 

White Diamond was silent for a few moments, before the transmission cut out.

 

“She’s probably trying to get to Steven!” Connie realized.

 

“I’m afraid you’re right,” Pearl nodded. “According to our scanners, he’s inside the Yellow Diamond Control Room, and White’s ship appears to be heading there right now.”

 

“Looks like your maneuvering thrusters are still online,” Topaz said, overlooking the control panels. “I can control them manually from here and get us to Rose— I mean, Steven. So Jeff, you can take a break.”

 

“Oh thank  _ God,”  _ Jeff collapsed onto the floor, alongside the still-broken-inside Blue Zircon.

 

\---

 

White warped into the Control Room suddenly, nearly knocking Steven over in surprise.

 

_ “Hello Starlight. It is good to see you again.” _

 

“White?” Yellow asked. “What are you doing here?”

 

_ “I have heard enough from you, Yellow, to last an eternity. Silence, please,”  _ White said, holding her hand up.  _ “Now Starlight, I believe we have things to discuss…” _

 

“The Corrupted Gems?”

 

_ “Yes, yes,”  _ White nodded,  _ “All in due time. But first you must return to Homeworld. With me.” _

 

Steven looked out at the asteroid field, seeing the disabled Pink Diamond Ship limping through space while the Sun Incinerator fought off dozens of Homeworld ships.

 

“But what about my friends?”

 

_ “Nobody wants them to get hurt, of course. But sadly there’s nothing they can do. Now Pink, come home.” _

 

“How are we supposed to heal the corrupted gems if I’m back on Homeworld with you?” Steven snapped. “You caused this!”

 

“Pink, what are you doing?” Yellow asked between her teeth.

 

_ “Leave us, Yellow.” _

 

“But—”

 

_ “Leave us!”  _ White raised her voice, warping Yellow away at will.  _ “She will be fine. As will your friends. As will those gems you wish to save. But you? It looks like  _ you  _ need to be taught a lesson, Pink...” _

 

White raised her hand, glowing energy flowing to her palm. Steven began taking several steps back. 

 

“W-what are you going to do to me?”

 

_ “You know, I always wished you were more like me. Belly gems just aren’t cut out for ruling… And pink is such a  _ dreadful  _ color anyway...” _

 

Steven gulped, before spotting a large, pink, flaming butt hurdle right past the window, smashing into the space station and knocking Steven and White off their feet. Steven quickly got back up and made a break for the exit, running down the yellow hallway as fast as he could.

 

\---

 

Pink Diamond’s ship had breached the side off the station, but emergency forcefields were in place to seal the hole in the bulkhead. Deciding that a Homeworld space station was safer than a ship about to blow up, the Gems and Humans evacuated the ship quickly.

 

_ “Core Detonation In [TWENTY-TWO] Minutes,”  _ the computer stated.

 

“Alright,” Pearl began, “Steven should be somewhere here. Topaz, you get the kids as far away from this part of the station as possible. Garnet, Amethyst and I will look for him and find you after. Hopefully Lars can get here soon so we can escape. If he doesn’t look for some sort of escape pod.”

 

“What about us?” Yellow Zircon asked, a frazzled Blue Zircon standing behind her.

 

“I couldn’t care less,” Pearl shrugged.

 

\---

 

While the Crystal Gems went off in search of Steven, Topaz and the kids made their way through the station, ducking down a large, yellow corridor surrounded by bay windows looking out into space.

 

“How are you guys holding up?” Topaz asked them.

 

“As good as we can, I think,” Connie nodded.

 

“How long has it been since we left Earth?” Jeff asked. “Because I think it’s past my bedtime.”

 

“What’s a bedtime?” Topaz inquired.

 

“Something only Jeff and Steven observe and most kids ignore entirely,” Peedee joked, earning a punch in the shoulder from Connie. “What? I’m right!”

 

“Shush,” Connie told them, “I hear something.”

 

The group stopped in their tracks, looking around the corridor for the source of the sound. Suddenly, the door swung open, revealing a very shaken Steven about to run through it.

 

“GUYS!” Steven exclaimed, rushing forward into a hug.

 

“Steven!” they all cried out, pulling him into a fourway embrace.

 

“I thought I’d never see you guys again!” Steven laughed.

 

“It’s good to see you, dude,” Peedee said, patting the boy on the back.

 

“Are you okay? Did the Diamonds do anything to you?” Jeff asked, worried.

 

“I see they have crap fashion sense,” Peedee remarked upon Steven’s Pink Diamond outfit.

 

“Actually, I think it looks rather nice,” Jeff complimented.

 

“Thanks,” Steven chuckled. “So what about  _ you  _ guys? How’d you get out of the Homeworld underground?”

 

“Eh, we’ll explain later,” Peedee shrugged. “But suffice it to say we’ve had our fill of space adventures for today.”

 

“For a while,” Jeff added.

 

“Yeah,” Steven laughed. “That’s a mood and a half. Where are the Gems?”

 

“They went looking for you,” Connie told him. “Lars and the Sun Incinerator are on their way to pick us up.”

 

“Oh thank goodness,” Steven sighed with relief. “Are they doing okay?”

 

“I mean, they’re kinda in the middle of battle so he’s not doing peachy-keen, but he  _ seemed  _ to be alright,” Peedee shrugged.

 

“He’ll probably be landing in the docking bay,” Topaz told them. “We’d better hurry before—”

 

_ “Before what?”  _ White Diamond said, warping into the hall.

 

The group stopped dead in their tracks, staring up at the dazzlingly bright dictator.

 

_ “Now, now, Starlight,”  _ White said, looking down at the four humans.  _ “This has gone on long enough. Let’s just forget about these foolish organics and go home? In fact, I’ll even help you with those ‘corrupted gems’ you were so eager to help.” _

 

Steven thought about the offer for only a second.

 

“...No,” Steven said, standing defiant.

 

_ “What was that?” _

 

“No! I’m not going with you, White. These are my friends. And I care about my friends more than anything. And...and there’s nothing you can do to take me away from them!”

 

White simply smiled.  _ “You are in no position to bargain.” _

 

She raised her hand once more, making Steven stand rigidly in place. An eerie smile began to creep across his face.

 

“Steven?” Connie asked, 

 

_ “Pink will not listen to you anymore,  _ organics,” White told them.  _ “I should have done this a  _ long  _ time ago.” _

 

“W-what did you do to him?” Jeff asked, tears forming in his eyes.

 

_ “Core Detonation In [TEN] Minutes,”  _ the computer rang out once more.

 

“What did you do?!” Jeff shouted at the top of his lungs.

 

_ “Come Pink,”  _ White nodded.  _ “It is time.” _

 

Steven, still smiling his eerie smile, began walking towards White, his arms stretched out in a T-pose.

 

“Steven! No!” Connie screamed, rushing after him. However, no matter how much she pleaded, the boy wouldn’t stop walking. 

 

Peedee looked at Connie and Jeff, kneeling forlorn as Steven walked steadfastly towards White Diamond, unable to break her control. A determined look forming on his face, he got up, marched up to Steven and...punched him right in the back of the head, knocking him out and making him fall flat on his face.

 

_ “...What?”  _ White remarked, turning around and looking at the small human. Jeff and Connie stood up in surprise, rushing over to Peedee and the now-unconscious Steven.

 

“You can’t control someone who’s been knocked out,” Peedee panted, holding his hand in pain from the punch.

 

“Peedee, I’m all for stupid, poorly-thought-out ideas, but this is a bit out there,” Jeff whispered to him.

 

_ “Well, I tried making Pink come willingly,”  _ White shrugged.  _ “Now it’s time for the more direct approach I suppose.” _

 

“You call that ‘willingly’?!” Peedee asked, his blood boiling. “That was  _ mind control, _ you _ asshole!” _

 

“Peedee, I don’t think it’s the best time to argue with an evil space goddess right now…” Connie told him, trying to pull Steven up off the floor.

 

“Hey, T-Poser,” Peedee continued, “You really think you can control Steven? Well, we’ll get him back! We won’t stop at anything to get him back!”

 

_ “Are you so sure?” _

 

“Oh I’m sure,” Peedee nodded. “Because you know who you are? A manipulative, controlling  _ bitch  _ who’s gonna get what she deserves! Just like...just like my mom!”

 

“Peedee…” Jeff said, placing a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

 

“And do you know how we got rid of her?”

 

White, rolling her eyes at the story and indulging the small organic out of pure amusement, asked him, _ “How?” _

 

“Well, first by calling the cops and second with a restraining order, but in your case I guess we’ll just have to settle for laser fire,” Peedee shrugged.

 

White realized that the human was looking behind her, out the window, where she saw the Sun Incinerator, weapons about to fire.

 

“What the—” White managed to say before blasters shattered the window to pieces, sucking her, the kids and Topaz out into space. 

 

Luckily for them, Steven woke back up at just the right moment, safely containing him and his friends in a pink, oxygen-filled bubble.

 

“That was extremely stupid, Peedee,” Jeff panted, out of breath.

 

“Yeah, but when’s the next time I’ll get to talk down an evil space goddess?”

 

“Oh, probably in the next few seconds…” Steven whimpered as he looked and realized White was floating not too far from them, and was about to reach out and grab the bubble with ease.

 

The children yelped out in terror (Jeff hugging Peedee and Steven hugging Connie, of course) before White’s hand was blasted at by the Sun Incinerator, knocking her away as the bubble (and Topaz) was drawn towards the ship.

 

“Woo! Go Lars!” Steven called out.

 

\---

 

“Rutiles, tractor beam! Rhodonite, keep firing at White Diamond! Fluorite!”

 

“Yeeeeeeeeeesss?”

 

“I wanted that Floatanium processed  _ yesterday!  _ What’s the delay?”

 

“Weeeeeeeeeelll…”

 

“Nevermind! Rhodonite, how long until the SS Pink Ass explodes?”

 

“We’re looking at five minutes, Captain,” the fusion replied. “Also I have gem signatures inside the station, heading towards the docking bay. Should we plot a course?”

 

“That’s probably Steven’s family, so yeah.”

 

“The four humans and the Topaz are aboard, sir/They’ve arrived in the hangar, Captain,” the Rutiles informed him.

 

The kids ran up to the bridge shortly thereafter, congratulating and cheering on Lars.

 

“That was amazing!” Jeff exclaimed.

 

“Well, I don’t mean to brag, but—” Lars began before getting cut off.

 

“Peedee, that was awesome!”

 

“You really think so?” Peedee chuckled.

 

“Jeff is going to be very attracted to Peedee when he shouts at White Diamond!”

 

Jeff’s face went red as Steven and Connie restrained their laughter, as Peedee gave the boy a smirk and a kiss on the cheek.

  
“Oh,  _ get a room,”  _ Lars muttered. “Rutiles, set course for the docking bay, maximum speed!”

 

\---

 

_ “Core Detonation In [SIXTY] Seconds.” _

 

The Crystal Gems (plus the Zircons, who were tagging along) entered the bright yellow docking bay, searching desperately for Steven, as the Sun Incinerator set down on the launchpad.

 

“Get in, guys!” Steven called out at gangway door, waving frantically.

 

“Oh thank the  _ stars,” _ Yellow Zircon muttered.

 

“Steven!” they exclaimed, rushing aboard the ship and piling atop the boy in a hug. 

 

“We were so worried—” Pearl began to say.

 

“They’re in!” Steven called out underneath the embrace.

 

_ “[THIRTY] seconds,”  _ the computer said once again.

 

“Go, Rutiles!” Lars barked.

 

As the ship began lifting off, the door leading out into the corridor swung open, revealing Yellow Diamond, pissed-off as ever.

 

“You think you can take Pink away from us,  _ again?!”  _ she bellowed, firing at the ship with her energy blasts.

 

“Sublight thrusters are down, Captain!” one of the Rutile Twins said as the ship fell back down onto the hangar floor, powerless.

 

_ “[FIFTEEN] seconds…” _

 

Yellow began marching towards the ship, staring it down menacingly and firing at it with even greater fury.

 

“Let Pink go!” she shouted, weakening the Sun Incinerator’s shields more and more with every blast.

 

“Shields at twelve percent, sir!” Rhodonite shouted.

 

“What do we do, Lars?” Jeff asked, shaking the captain desperately.

 

“So this is it,” Peedee muttered. “I’m going to die on the same ship as Lars.”

 

_ “[TEN] seconds…” _

 

“Captain, the Gravity Engine’s back online!”

 

“Oh  _ thank you, _ Fluorite,” Lars muttered. “Rutiles, hyperspeed,  _ now!” _

 

_ “Five...four...three...two…” _

 

“I have you now,” Yellow said as she grabbed hold of the ship’s aft end, about to rip out the Nova Thrusters by hand.

 

Instead, she got a face-full of Floatanium residue as the Sun Incinerator made the jump to lightspeed, blasting straight through the hangar forcefield and out into the black, starry yonder, propelling Yellow into the back wall.

 

_ “One. Zero.” _

 

Pink Diamond’s ship then exploded, taking Yellow Diamond’s space station along with it and throwing her out into the asteroid field.

 

“Note to self,” she thought, “Shatter that idiotic Emerald when I get the chance.”

 

\---

 

“We did it!” Jeff cried out. “We beat the Diamonds, we saved our butts  _ and  _ we finally get to go home!”

 

“God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t wait for the next lunch rush at the Tot Truck,” Peedee laughed.

 

“I’ll be your first customer,” Steven remarked.

 

“It’s on the house, dude.”

 

“Even at faster-than-lightspeed it’ll probably take a few hours to get back to Earth,” Pearl informed them, still clutching the gem of White Pearl. “You four should probably get some shut-eye.”

 

“But...but the cool spaceship!” Jeff pleaded.

 

“No buts, mister. I’ve prepared sleeping bags in the engine room for each of you.”

 

Connie let out a yawn. “Yeah… We should probably go to bed.”

 

“Thanks, Pearl,” Steven tiredly nodded as he led his three friends down the stairs.

 

As the four children got cosy next to the Gravity Engine (and Fluorite, who insisted that they should pay her no mind), the immensity of what they’d just escaped from hit them.

 

“My mom’s gonna ground me when we get back, isn’t she?” Jeff asked out loud.

 

“Go to sleep, Jeff,” Peedee said, turning over in his sleeping bag. “And yes, she probably is.”

 

“Ah, crud. I mean, I’m the one who jumped onto a spaceship as it was taking off, so I can’t really blame her, heh.”

 

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Steven chimed in, “If we ever had another space adventure, I’d definitely want you guys with me. A littler one than this, obviously.”

 

Jeff took a moment to take in his surroundings; he was in an alien spaceship, moving at faster than the speed of light, being watched by a giant poly-fusion caterpillar lady who reminded him of his grandma. But still, he was surrounded by his boyfriend, and his two best friends.

 

“...Okay, maybe a little one.”

 

“I thought you said we were done with space adventures!” Peedee blurted out.

 

“Kids? I don’t hear the sounds of sleeping!” Pearl called down to them.

 

“Sorry, ma’am!” Connie shouted back before giving the boys a stern “go to bed” look.

 

“What can I say?” Jeff whispered. “For a day, my life was like a sci-fi movie. I wouldn’t wanna do  _ this  _ one again but, like, maybe a camping trip on the moon?”

 

Peedee shrugged in his bag. “I could go for that, yeah.  _ With  _ permission from our parents this time.”

 

“Deal.” 

 

\---

 

“I blame you for this, Yellow,” White said, floating aimlessly past the younger Diamond amongst the asteroids.

 

“I know,” Yellow growled, folding her arms in pouting defeat.

 

White thought about what the one known as “Peedee” told her; that she reminded him of someone he knew on Earth. Someone manipulative and controlling who eventually “got what she deserved.” 

 

If she ever went to Earth again, she would have to meet this person.

 

She liked their style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to E350tb for his endless support of my writing, CoreyWW for the creation of the Fanclub Universe in the first place, and to all my other writer friends from whom I received feedback. 
> 
> And thanks to all of you, for indulging in my headcanon-filled, goofy, reference-laden hot gay mess of a fanfic :P
> 
> (See you all over in Titanic AU :D)

**Author's Note:**

> I’m surprised I haven’t written anything Fanclub related before this.
> 
> Hope you like it!


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